Three Second Decree - Bite-Sized Blog
Each post is a phrase, one sentence, or a phrase or sentence with a picture; no other promises.
10/30/2004
How many angels could dance on Zippy the Pinhead?
10/28/2004
"We depend on the good will of our customers!" is not an effective battle-cry.
10/27/2004
I think I've discovered a causal relationship between my cat's eating habits and the stock market, and I'm sure my editor will be thrilled to learn the details.
If I vote for Bush, and then Kerry wins, I'll feel like a loser, and if I vote for Kerry, and Bush wins, then I'll feel like a loser; so instead I'll vote for Nader or Badnarik, who have no chance of winning, because that way I don't get my hopes up.
Every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings; so if fifty people hear one bell do fifty angels get wings or just one, and what's to stop angels from ringing bells on purpose in order to promote their friends?
When I asked the chef about what it was that gave their hamburger that special, unique flavor, he blushed, looked away and said modestly, "horseradish sauce," but when I asked him about the reason behind the diner's poor business of late and why all the regulars had abandoned the place, he blushed, looked at the floor, and said, embarrassed, "horseradish sauce."
10/26/2004
If I retrace my steps it's obvious I had to have left it in one of these places: today I strolled down Sixth Avenue, stopped at the coffee shop for five minutes, continued along Richards Street, filled out a membership application at the rental place, went next door and browsed the thrift shop, then walked home... who would have thought it'd be so easy to misplace a baby carriage?
10/25/2004
As he dumped the warm bucket of slop steaming into the trough, the pigs regarded him with an oddly intelligent expression of thanks before they dove into the food, an expression the farmhand failed to notice because, after all, they are just pigs.
10/22/2004
I called the theft hotline number on the back of the credit card a customer left at the store, and someone with a thick accent asked me for my card number, my name, and the name of my bank, then thanked me for my time and hung up; it was then I realized they had just cancelled MY card.
10/21/2004
Controversial theology:
10/19/2004
Hey baby, why don't you come over to my place and see my world record score at Defender?
All around me were a hundred people screaming "Praise the Lord," but all I could think was, "God must have some serious self-esteem issues."
10/18/2004
I didn't know that group membership meant handing over all my assets, living in a bunk in crowded barracks with a hundred other members, committing terrorist acts, and eventual martyrdom when I spoke with their friendly recruitment agent at the mall.
They all subscribed to magazines attuned to their interests, hobbies that the others could never understand -- Randall got Home Gardener, Jeremy received Recreational Motor Monthly, and Farrell was paid up for two years of Irish Hating Digest.
10/17/2004
This is about the time, every evening, when the people who sit behind me begin cursing each other out in calm, conversational tones.
I don't have to be just a nobody in real life; I can play Everquest and have a precise, numerical measurement of how much of a nobody I am.
Every day, in every way, I relate to Zippy the Pinhead more than my father.
10/15/2004
A sampling of frightening words to overhear through the closed door of the board room: "I'm jumping ship," "They'll never find out," "Let's do it on this table," and, last but not least, "Yahtzee!"
Judging from the passage of those moving vans, Highway 303 is the esophagus of this town, and Highway 80 is its colon.
10/14/2004
I silently curse my former friend each time I set off the metal detector at the airport, and must explain anew to them the bullet left lodged, immovable, in my brain.
Sometimes you eat the giant, green slobbering monster, and sometimes the giant, green slobbering monster eats you.
So much tragedy... what is Congress doing to support research into halting the senseless deaths of so many of our celebrities?
10/13/2004
True: I've seen a guy with Christmas lights in the shape of a cross in the grill of his 18-wheeler, presumably to make me think he hit Jesus.
In the world's twilight, ages past man's decline, when the dying husk of the sun shone red across the Earth the dark citadel cast all in its grim shadow: Proctor & Gamble!
10/12/2004
The world's just not the same since capes went out of style.
I didn't buy into UltraSlick Corp. before they hit it big, but I won't get caught again -- 100 shares of CommodeBound Inc. for me please!
10/11/2004
As your cat, it's my duty to inform you that I can see only two colors: Friend-color and Food-color, and you're kind of flickering between them.
I'm at my most creative when I'm almost dead from lack of sleep, so tomorrow morning I'm off to the store to buy an airhorn and a jerky friend!
I'm mighty disappointed in this roll of Mentos -- but the people in the commercial sang "Mentos fresh and full of life!" with such feeling!
10/10/2004
When did my life become a comic book, and why isn't it drawn by Jack Kirby?
Today, a homophobic friend of mine asked a gay friend, "I heard that inside your brain is an endless loop of Village People songs, what is that like?"
We played high-stakes, tournament-level seven-card stud with a deck that had Disney characters for the face cards.
10/9/2004
True: a day after I eat at Burger King, the bathroom always smells flame-broiled.
I admit that I joined Google AdSense mostly to see what kind of ads this blog would generate.
It's very accomodating of my computer to have so many USB ports, so should I feel bad about not having any USB devices to insert?
I got spooked when, after blowing up my cell phone in frustration, two seconds later a smiling lady from Verizon was at my door with a replacement.
10/8/2004
I'm sorry but no, I don't believe public high schools particularly need a business model.
10/7/2004
The great thing about this format is, I can seem witty and brilliant in one sentence, but the more I say, the more evident it is that isn't true.
You may think it's a lot of fun to have wings, but take it from me: they make revolving doors a bitch.
Once the hood was off, the wolf began to wish he'd never caught Little Red.
I'm upset because, when I hit that ramp in my car at 70 mph, it got totaled even though I got that horn that plays the first few bars of "Dixie."
10/6/2004
It's a cunning juxtaposition of disparate elements!
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