Hopefully Not Stupid
Monday, June 28, 2004
Blog posts slow at the moment
I haven't been posting much lately 'cause I'm looking for a job. More news later....
I haven't been posting much lately 'cause I'm looking for a job. More news later....
Friday, June 25, 2004
Movies: Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
In “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story,” we have a story every bit as dumb as that of “Around the World in 80 Days,” and yet I enjoyed it much more.
It all has to do with mood. “Around” tries so hard to thrill us with Jackie Chan fight scenes, astound us with foreign places, entertain us with monkey-like antics, and inspire wonder with its impossibly soaring musical score, that the whole thing falls apart. Those of us who have built-up immune systems to this sort of thing, from watching dozens of these love children of “Independence Day” and “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World,” aren’t impressed with the old tricks.
“Dodgeball,” on the other hand, revels in its dumbness. It doesn’t even try to pretend to take itself seriously. Almost every character in the movie is a type or unbalanced in some way, from Ben Stiller’s over-the-top egotistical gym owner to the guy who thinks he’s a pirate. The only guy who could be said to be normal is our hero, the straight man, who reacts to everything with an expression that says, “okay, these people have serious problems.”
Peter Le Fleur (Vince Vaughn) runs a small, unprofitable gym. A high school rival, White Goodman (Ben Stiller) owns a highly profitable gym and takes great pleasure in lording it over Pete. In a lesser film Pete would be consumed with rage, here Pete just gives a bemused look and lets White stew, which probably infuriates him even more. Caught between White’s persecution and Pete’s indifference is mortgage worker Kate Veatch (Christine Taylor), who White seems to think is a flunky and Pete hopes will be a girlfriend.
Pete is unskilled in financial matters, and his gym is in foreclosure on its second mortgage. Yes, the movie has a contrived mortgage plot which drives its heroes on a quest for success on the Dodgeball court, a sport that, thankfully, is treated by the movie with exactly the respect it deserves, relegated to airing on ESPN 8. Pete and his slacker gym buddies try to win the big Dodgeball tournament to earn the money to get the gym out of hock, and there you have the plot. It’s not a winner, but that doesn’t matter here.
This is one of those movies that lives and dies by its jokes, and while there are a few clunkers, overall they work. The standout performer is Ben Stiller, whose rich egotistical gym owner would be evil if he had the capacity for it. It’s a shame that so many of his best lines are used in the commercials for the movie, as his character really is the best thing here.
There’s a good mix of over-the-top groaners and true wit here, and it helps save Dodgeball from being another brain-dead summer comedy. Note in the opening scene how White Goodman’s gym commercial defeats itself with subtle payoffs instead of hitting the viewer over the head with them. The movie knows you’re allowed to have stupid characters, but that pure stupidity, in itself, isn’t funny. That, in a nutshell, is why Dodgeball is worth watching.
In “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story,” we have a story every bit as dumb as that of “Around the World in 80 Days,” and yet I enjoyed it much more.
It all has to do with mood. “Around” tries so hard to thrill us with Jackie Chan fight scenes, astound us with foreign places, entertain us with monkey-like antics, and inspire wonder with its impossibly soaring musical score, that the whole thing falls apart. Those of us who have built-up immune systems to this sort of thing, from watching dozens of these love children of “Independence Day” and “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World,” aren’t impressed with the old tricks.
“Dodgeball,” on the other hand, revels in its dumbness. It doesn’t even try to pretend to take itself seriously. Almost every character in the movie is a type or unbalanced in some way, from Ben Stiller’s over-the-top egotistical gym owner to the guy who thinks he’s a pirate. The only guy who could be said to be normal is our hero, the straight man, who reacts to everything with an expression that says, “okay, these people have serious problems.”
Peter Le Fleur (Vince Vaughn) runs a small, unprofitable gym. A high school rival, White Goodman (Ben Stiller) owns a highly profitable gym and takes great pleasure in lording it over Pete. In a lesser film Pete would be consumed with rage, here Pete just gives a bemused look and lets White stew, which probably infuriates him even more. Caught between White’s persecution and Pete’s indifference is mortgage worker Kate Veatch (Christine Taylor), who White seems to think is a flunky and Pete hopes will be a girlfriend.
Pete is unskilled in financial matters, and his gym is in foreclosure on its second mortgage. Yes, the movie has a contrived mortgage plot which drives its heroes on a quest for success on the Dodgeball court, a sport that, thankfully, is treated by the movie with exactly the respect it deserves, relegated to airing on ESPN 8. Pete and his slacker gym buddies try to win the big Dodgeball tournament to earn the money to get the gym out of hock, and there you have the plot. It’s not a winner, but that doesn’t matter here.
This is one of those movies that lives and dies by its jokes, and while there are a few clunkers, overall they work. The standout performer is Ben Stiller, whose rich egotistical gym owner would be evil if he had the capacity for it. It’s a shame that so many of his best lines are used in the commercials for the movie, as his character really is the best thing here.
There’s a good mix of over-the-top groaners and true wit here, and it helps save Dodgeball from being another brain-dead summer comedy. Note in the opening scene how White Goodman’s gym commercial defeats itself with subtle payoffs instead of hitting the viewer over the head with them. The movie knows you’re allowed to have stupid characters, but that pure stupidity, in itself, isn’t funny. That, in a nutshell, is why Dodgeball is worth watching.
The Bigger They Are, The Harder They Headlines
Deutsche Welle: Science & Technology: Berlin Mutant Boy Extra Strong
Original Article
Brother, has this been bandied about the web a lot. In summary, about four years ago a kid was born in Germany whose body doesn't produce a limiting protein that halts muscle growth. While he looks normal, he's in fact really strong for his age. It's a condition that has never been observed in humans before, which I find interesting because of its implied corollary: that this has been observed in animals.
No, his first words were not "Bam! Bam, bam, bam!"
The way I see it, this kid is in for a life of great sadness. He could have medical problems we won't even have terminology for for years, unless you count things like "Bovine Neuromuscular Disorder." If his name becomes known, or even if it doesn't, you can bet every half-assed journalist from here to Tomsk will write an article about him with "super" somewhere in its title. Jokes running along the lines of "What's Prof. Charles Xavier like, really?" will get old after the twenty-fourth iteration. He comes from a family of athletes, but if he chooses to, will professional sporting organizations allow him to compete?
But maybe I'm just pessimistic. Here's hoping the best for the adorably abnormal little tyke.
World Movie Magazine: News: Disney to Scale Down Film Production
Original Article
Thank you god.
After that lunktacular craptravaganza called "Around the World in 80 Days," I can't help but hope that Disney quietly closes this portion of its conglomerative holdings and gets redoubles its core business: making economical, affordable Evil available to the home and small business markets.
But wait! They're not getting out of the movie business entirely, but just out of clunkers. (And, yes, Pixar films.) Michael Eisner, also known as the Anti-Walt, says by reducing the number of movies they make they'll be more selective about what they make, favoring "franchisable" movies like Pirates of the Caribbean over things like Around the World in 80 Days.
Which, if you ask me, is really stupid. The good thing about Pirates of the Caribbean wasn't it's franchisability, it was Johnny Freaking Depp! If he hadn't been in it, it would have been just another stupid pirate movie. I can't believe Eisner and company are blind to things like this. Do you have to have to undergo I.Q. Reduction Surgery when you get on the board of directors?
Deutsche Welle: Science & Technology: Berlin Mutant Boy Extra Strong
Original Article
Brother, has this been bandied about the web a lot. In summary, about four years ago a kid was born in Germany whose body doesn't produce a limiting protein that halts muscle growth. While he looks normal, he's in fact really strong for his age. It's a condition that has never been observed in humans before, which I find interesting because of its implied corollary: that this has been observed in animals.
No, his first words were not "Bam! Bam, bam, bam!"
The way I see it, this kid is in for a life of great sadness. He could have medical problems we won't even have terminology for for years, unless you count things like "Bovine Neuromuscular Disorder." If his name becomes known, or even if it doesn't, you can bet every half-assed journalist from here to Tomsk will write an article about him with "super" somewhere in its title. Jokes running along the lines of "What's Prof. Charles Xavier like, really?" will get old after the twenty-fourth iteration. He comes from a family of athletes, but if he chooses to, will professional sporting organizations allow him to compete?
But maybe I'm just pessimistic. Here's hoping the best for the adorably abnormal little tyke.
World Movie Magazine: News: Disney to Scale Down Film Production
Original Article
Thank you god.
After that lunktacular craptravaganza called "Around the World in 80 Days," I can't help but hope that Disney quietly closes this portion of its conglomerative holdings and gets redoubles its core business: making economical, affordable Evil available to the home and small business markets.
But wait! They're not getting out of the movie business entirely, but just out of clunkers. (And, yes, Pixar films.) Michael Eisner, also known as the Anti-Walt, says by reducing the number of movies they make they'll be more selective about what they make, favoring "franchisable" movies like Pirates of the Caribbean over things like Around the World in 80 Days.
Which, if you ask me, is really stupid. The good thing about Pirates of the Caribbean wasn't it's franchisability, it was Johnny Freaking Depp! If he hadn't been in it, it would have been just another stupid pirate movie. I can't believe Eisner and company are blind to things like this. Do you have to have to undergo I.Q. Reduction Surgery when you get on the board of directors?
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Link: When Think Tanks Attack
Deltoid Article
Why doesn't this surprise me? The trickle of reports of suspect open source-bashing studies produded by Microsoft-sponsored groups, who typically do not reporting the sources of their funding, is revealed to be a full-blown tidal wave. More disturbing, to me, is the news that Big Oil and Big Tobacco have been doing the same kind of thing. (Microsoft is so big, and acting alone in their own disinformation quest, that adding "big" before their name is redundant.)
Yep, I'm mad. Grrrr!
Deltoid Article
Why doesn't this surprise me? The trickle of reports of suspect open source-bashing studies produded by Microsoft-sponsored groups, who typically do not reporting the sources of their funding, is revealed to be a full-blown tidal wave. More disturbing, to me, is the news that Big Oil and Big Tobacco have been doing the same kind of thing. (Microsoft is so big, and acting alone in their own disinformation quest, that adding "big" before their name is redundant.)
Yep, I'm mad. Grrrr!
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Movies: Around the World in 80 Days
Written for the George-Anne, campus newspaper of Georgia Southern University. (Web site hopelessly out-of-date.)
There is a book you may have heard of, called "Around The World in 80 Days," or in the original French, "Le Tour du monde en quatre-vingts jours." It is by science fiction genius Jules Verne, and is a story much beloved by me. Yet you'd be forgiven for wondering whatever the hell this movie version has to do with the book, besides theme, similarly-named characters and a brief reference to the book's ending gimmick. Like with 2002's “The Time Machine,” almost nothing of interested has survived the trip through the Hollywood production meat-grinder, and all we have left is ground chuck.
You must understand that I do not believe it is the job of movies to get the books exactly right. I love the Lord of the Rings movies, despite the fact that almost 5% of the material from the books is different than Tolkien wrote, and maybe up to a quarter was left out. Peter Jackson still got much of the spirit of what Tolkien put on the page, and that's much harder than just filming the literal events of the book. Just ask Ralph Bakshi.
But book-based movies do have a duty in that, if they carry the same name, they must represent the original story in spirit. This movie “Around The World In 80 Days,” unquestionably, does not. Phineas Fogg is one of the most redoubtable figures in all literature, a Victorian Englishman so amazingly precise and regular that he fired his previous valet for giving him shaving water two degrees cooler than his custom. He has been changed into a garden-variety “wacky inventor.”
Passportout and Inspector Fix undergo similarly wrong-headed transformations. Fix in particular is quite loathsome, played by some spastic, vaguely human rodent-creature, a poor-man's Jerry Lewis, who mugs and flops and hurts himself in scenes of excruciating slapstick. I can't see how anyone could believe this man is a police inspector for Scotland Yard; he is barely verbal.
The plot has also been bleached away of its essential core, turning its tale of great period adventure into a saddening exercise in watching Jackie Chan smack people. The original story barely mentions China but half the movie takes place there, all to give the film a tortured rationale for casting Chan as Passportout, in a lame-duck subplot that exists solely so the film can have comic-book villains.
It is true that there are wonderful sights in this movie, computer rendered cityscapes of color and light that would be stunning if viewed in an animated feature. But, here, they're wasted as a dumber version of the country introductions from "Eurotrip." There are some slightly amusing sight-gags for people who know the era from the book, but the people who'd appreciate them will be too busy groaning at the idiot plot. It can't be questioned that Jackie Chan's famously self-performed stunts are astounding. But, this isn't a chop-socky martial arts movie. They are out of place anywhere near Verne's work.
There is a little game you can play with movies like this. Realizing that there must have been some reason for each deviance from the original story, you can try to figure them out. For “The Time Machine,” it was the desire to turn H.G. Wells' novel of social satire into an action movie.
For "Around The World in 80 Days," I can only conclude it's because the people who made it are creatures of darkness and hate, who daily excrete stinking film from their demonic colons, and have used their infernal powers to divine a means of getting paid for it. By no means should you see this movie. If your girlfriend wants to see it, break up with her. If your kids want to see it, disown them. If President Bush comes to your home and demands that you see it, emigrate.
Written for the George-Anne, campus newspaper of Georgia Southern University. (Web site hopelessly out-of-date.)
There is a book you may have heard of, called "Around The World in 80 Days," or in the original French, "Le Tour du monde en quatre-vingts jours." It is by science fiction genius Jules Verne, and is a story much beloved by me. Yet you'd be forgiven for wondering whatever the hell this movie version has to do with the book, besides theme, similarly-named characters and a brief reference to the book's ending gimmick. Like with 2002's “The Time Machine,” almost nothing of interested has survived the trip through the Hollywood production meat-grinder, and all we have left is ground chuck.
You must understand that I do not believe it is the job of movies to get the books exactly right. I love the Lord of the Rings movies, despite the fact that almost 5% of the material from the books is different than Tolkien wrote, and maybe up to a quarter was left out. Peter Jackson still got much of the spirit of what Tolkien put on the page, and that's much harder than just filming the literal events of the book. Just ask Ralph Bakshi.
But book-based movies do have a duty in that, if they carry the same name, they must represent the original story in spirit. This movie “Around The World In 80 Days,” unquestionably, does not. Phineas Fogg is one of the most redoubtable figures in all literature, a Victorian Englishman so amazingly precise and regular that he fired his previous valet for giving him shaving water two degrees cooler than his custom. He has been changed into a garden-variety “wacky inventor.”
Passportout and Inspector Fix undergo similarly wrong-headed transformations. Fix in particular is quite loathsome, played by some spastic, vaguely human rodent-creature, a poor-man's Jerry Lewis, who mugs and flops and hurts himself in scenes of excruciating slapstick. I can't see how anyone could believe this man is a police inspector for Scotland Yard; he is barely verbal.
The plot has also been bleached away of its essential core, turning its tale of great period adventure into a saddening exercise in watching Jackie Chan smack people. The original story barely mentions China but half the movie takes place there, all to give the film a tortured rationale for casting Chan as Passportout, in a lame-duck subplot that exists solely so the film can have comic-book villains.
It is true that there are wonderful sights in this movie, computer rendered cityscapes of color and light that would be stunning if viewed in an animated feature. But, here, they're wasted as a dumber version of the country introductions from "Eurotrip." There are some slightly amusing sight-gags for people who know the era from the book, but the people who'd appreciate them will be too busy groaning at the idiot plot. It can't be questioned that Jackie Chan's famously self-performed stunts are astounding. But, this isn't a chop-socky martial arts movie. They are out of place anywhere near Verne's work.
There is a little game you can play with movies like this. Realizing that there must have been some reason for each deviance from the original story, you can try to figure them out. For “The Time Machine,” it was the desire to turn H.G. Wells' novel of social satire into an action movie.
For "Around The World in 80 Days," I can only conclude it's because the people who made it are creatures of darkness and hate, who daily excrete stinking film from their demonic colons, and have used their infernal powers to divine a means of getting paid for it. By no means should you see this movie. If your girlfriend wants to see it, break up with her. If your kids want to see it, disown them. If President Bush comes to your home and demands that you see it, emigrate.
Sunday, June 20, 2004
Link: The Film Crew Online
So just who are The Film Crew? Why, only Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett, doggedly determined to remain both culturally visible and financially liquid in this, the opening years of the long, cold, post-Mystery Science Theater era. These are men who know funny, and they know bad movies. These attributes put them close to my heart, you know, the one I keep in the refrigerator, in the jar beside the milk.
The only thing preventing me from obsessing gleefully over their potential opinionating on The Chronicles of Riddick is my anticipation of the shame I'll feel upon the realization that they've done a better job at it than I did.
(What tortured syntax! Did I get the tenses right in that sentence? Makes my brain hurt.)
So just who are The Film Crew? Why, only Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett, doggedly determined to remain both culturally visible and financially liquid in this, the opening years of the long, cold, post-Mystery Science Theater era. These are men who know funny, and they know bad movies. These attributes put them close to my heart, you know, the one I keep in the refrigerator, in the jar beside the milk.
The only thing preventing me from obsessing gleefully over their potential opinionating on The Chronicles of Riddick is my anticipation of the shame I'll feel upon the realization that they've done a better job at it than I did.
(What tortured syntax! Did I get the tenses right in that sentence? Makes my brain hurt.)
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Link: The Reality of Running Away From Stuff
Found on boingboing: The Reality of Running Away From Stuff.
How likely *is* it that those guys in The Mummy Returns could have outrun the onset of dawn? Read this page to find out, and also get some insight into just how ludicrous movie physics is becoming these days, as well as why we should care.
Found on boingboing: The Reality of Running Away From Stuff.
How likely *is* it that those guys in The Mummy Returns could have outrun the onset of dawn? Read this page to find out, and also get some insight into just how ludicrous movie physics is becoming these days, as well as why we should care.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Where Have All The Headlines Gone?
Just one this time:
Seattle Times: Local News: Paul Allen sees space tourism in our future
Original Article
"This is your captain speaking, if you'll look out the right-hand window you'll see several billion miles of empty void sparsely punctuated by tiny points of light variously ranging from three to several million light years away. This view will be available for roughly the entire time we'll be spending outside of Earth's atmosphere.
Outside the left window you can see the continent of North America passing by, home to the Empire State Building, Disneyland, the Alamo, the Golden Gate Bridge, roughly ninety-three thousand McDonalds restaurants and many of the environmental problems plaguing our planet.
We'll be docking at Copernicus Station in approximately five minutes, please observe the No Smoking sign, and make sure that all liquids are in closed containers and not floating in random blobs around the room."
Space tourism is a lot of work to go through for little payoff. Earth tourism is interesting because we have weather that creates all these majestic natural wonders in a small number of specific places (like the Grand Canyon), but not over the vast majority of out planet's surface (like the great expanse of undifferentiated prairie in the American mid-West). The moon, relatively speaking, is miles and miles of more of the same. We also have all these sites that our culture has picked out as being significant, like worlds' fairgrounds, tallest buildings, architectural landmarks, ancient burial grounds, and presidential shooting sites. While Mother Nature has produced some outstanding work, when it comes down to sheer number of landmarks, human-kind beats her out handily with its endless sea of historical sites, novelty shops and giant, fiberglass cows.
Until we're able to shuttle people back and forth to, say, Mars quickly and efficiently (and good luck with that), the creation of space stations and moon bases will add the grand total of two locations to the brochure collection at the local Escape-U-Life travel agency. Cool for the short term, granted, and I'll admit that it'd be neat to cavort around in zero-G until bone decalcification makes it medically inadvisable, but until some version of extraterrestrial skiing gets invented to enable rich preppy kids to better waste away their weekends, the whole idea is ultimately faddish.
Visit The Moon: It's Like Aspen, But More Dangerous!
Just one this time:
Seattle Times: Local News: Paul Allen sees space tourism in our future
Original Article
"This is your captain speaking, if you'll look out the right-hand window you'll see several billion miles of empty void sparsely punctuated by tiny points of light variously ranging from three to several million light years away. This view will be available for roughly the entire time we'll be spending outside of Earth's atmosphere.
Outside the left window you can see the continent of North America passing by, home to the Empire State Building, Disneyland, the Alamo, the Golden Gate Bridge, roughly ninety-three thousand McDonalds restaurants and many of the environmental problems plaguing our planet.
We'll be docking at Copernicus Station in approximately five minutes, please observe the No Smoking sign, and make sure that all liquids are in closed containers and not floating in random blobs around the room."
Space tourism is a lot of work to go through for little payoff. Earth tourism is interesting because we have weather that creates all these majestic natural wonders in a small number of specific places (like the Grand Canyon), but not over the vast majority of out planet's surface (like the great expanse of undifferentiated prairie in the American mid-West). The moon, relatively speaking, is miles and miles of more of the same. We also have all these sites that our culture has picked out as being significant, like worlds' fairgrounds, tallest buildings, architectural landmarks, ancient burial grounds, and presidential shooting sites. While Mother Nature has produced some outstanding work, when it comes down to sheer number of landmarks, human-kind beats her out handily with its endless sea of historical sites, novelty shops and giant, fiberglass cows.
Until we're able to shuttle people back and forth to, say, Mars quickly and efficiently (and good luck with that), the creation of space stations and moon bases will add the grand total of two locations to the brochure collection at the local Escape-U-Life travel agency. Cool for the short term, granted, and I'll admit that it'd be neat to cavort around in zero-G until bone decalcification makes it medically inadvisable, but until some version of extraterrestrial skiing gets invented to enable rich preppy kids to better waste away their weekends, the whole idea is ultimately faddish.
Visit The Moon: It's Like Aspen, But More Dangerous!
Sunday, June 13, 2004
Those Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Headlines
CNN.com: Juror: Sympathy spared Nichols
Original Article
Not that I'm at all happy with our government's role as black-hooded Wielder of the Axe, but have none of these jurors seen Bowling for Columbine? James Nichols' interviews in that movie are quite enlightening.
BBS News: Middle East: US 'not bound by torture laws'
Original Article
A Pentagon report last year argued that President George W Bush was not bound by laws banning the use of torture, according to the Wall Street Journal.
Woe be to the weak-kneed and the faint of heart that strays unwisely to the dark chambers beneath the White House, mwahaha!
What really infuriates me about this whole Abu Gharib business? That there is this great beclouded mass of U.S. Citizens who will still support Bush after this, for whom there is absolutely no thing that could be revealed about him that could possibly change their minds, so swayed by their voluntarily-restricted sources of information. I'm surrounded by these people. Most of them, to be fair, are like this because their lives are full of so much worry and toil (though certainly not by third world standards) that they don't have the energy or time to really examine whatever beliefs came installed at the factory.
I don't believe these people are beyond hope, but I have no clue as to what could possibly change their mind. The huge Monty Pythonesque Hand of God itself could come down from the sky with a note reading "Bush == Bad," and they'd just start arguing as to whether that was, in fact, the real Hand of God or one of Satan's cunning traps.
Bush will never see prosecution whether the laws affect him or not. It's interesting that we have different standards of behavior for brutal South American strongmen and Presidents of the United States; the strongmen are held more accountable! Laws that have no hope for being enforced are basically void, and that's the comfortable position in which President Torquemada now finds himself.
CNN.com: Juror: Sympathy spared Nichols
Original Article
Not that I'm at all happy with our government's role as black-hooded Wielder of the Axe, but have none of these jurors seen Bowling for Columbine? James Nichols' interviews in that movie are quite enlightening.
BBS News: Middle East: US 'not bound by torture laws'
Original Article
A Pentagon report last year argued that President George W Bush was not bound by laws banning the use of torture, according to the Wall Street Journal.
Woe be to the weak-kneed and the faint of heart that strays unwisely to the dark chambers beneath the White House, mwahaha!
What really infuriates me about this whole Abu Gharib business? That there is this great beclouded mass of U.S. Citizens who will still support Bush after this, for whom there is absolutely no thing that could be revealed about him that could possibly change their minds, so swayed by their voluntarily-restricted sources of information. I'm surrounded by these people. Most of them, to be fair, are like this because their lives are full of so much worry and toil (though certainly not by third world standards) that they don't have the energy or time to really examine whatever beliefs came installed at the factory.
I don't believe these people are beyond hope, but I have no clue as to what could possibly change their mind. The huge Monty Pythonesque Hand of God itself could come down from the sky with a note reading "Bush == Bad," and they'd just start arguing as to whether that was, in fact, the real Hand of God or one of Satan's cunning traps.
Bush will never see prosecution whether the laws affect him or not. It's interesting that we have different standards of behavior for brutal South American strongmen and Presidents of the United States; the strongmen are held more accountable! Laws that have no hope for being enforced are basically void, and that's the comfortable position in which President Torquemada now finds himself.
Saturday, June 12, 2004
Kill The Riddick!
What a crappy movie. Or more accurately, what we have in The Chronicles of Riddick is three crappy movies, each trying to convince us it's the real film: the blessedly short early movie weighed down with meaningless talk about space religion, the stupid two-parter filled to the gills with evil space fleets, poorly-kept statuary and black Mrs. Macbeth in a tortoiseshell dress, and the long middle movie, about a prison escape from a jail planet, that's more interesting than the entire rest of the film combined. That's not saying much.
Movie number one takes place on Helion Prime, and begins after we're given a couple of wholly unnecessary scenes to establish Riddick's (Vin Diesel) character. (For those who missed Pitch Black, that's “amoral ass-kicker.”) I didn't get the full effect of these scenes because I could barely hear what Vin Diesel was saying. The man's voice is so low it makes Henry Kissinger jealous. At the end of Movie #1 there are strobe-lit fight scenes that rival Pikachu himself in seizure-inducing power, and the universe's most ceremonial explosive device.
Also around this time we meet Aereon, an Air Elemental played by the semi-invisible Judi Dench. Elementals “calculate,” we're told, but we're not told what. (Taxes? Actuary tables? Poker odds?) Ariel's role is to be a bargain-basement Bene Gesserit in a movie that looks, when it starts blabing about prophecy and faith in unconvincing ways, like it'd dearly like to be Dune, if it weren't trying so hard to be space opera. Anyway, Aereon might be interesting if she did even one damn thing in this movie besides be invisible a lot.
That brings us to the second movie, set inside of the (please understand it causes me pain to write this) Necromonger spaceship. The Necromongers are trying to reach either the Omniverse or the Underverse, I'm not sure which. Necromongers operate by turning the people into conquer into Necromongers themselves, but it's not obvious why they do this since later it becomes obvious the procedure doesn't instill any sense of loyalty.
The Necromonger national motto is “You keep what you kill,” a phrase that doesn't make sense even if you've seen the film. (Maybe there are lots of game reserves on their home world?) They are led by the Lord Marshal (Colm Feore), a guy who visited the Omniverse personally, and according to The Invisible Dench, “came back as a different being. Stronger... stranger.” This means he can swoosh about real fast and has, I swear to God, H. R. Giger's comb-over.
And he can take people's souls. Early on he runs up to someone in casual evening-wear, and pulls out a transparent version of him, in transparent evening-wear. The rather surprised, de-souled guy looks back kind of wistfully, like he wants to shout “Hey man, I need that to be with!” then collapses. How long before Riddick gets to experience this? About an hour thirty.
The third movie has little to do with the Necromongers and saving the universe, in which Riddick goes to a completely pointless prison world, Crematoria, so he can meet up with his old girlfriend. This planet marks the beginning of the best parts of the movie, and when we leave, all that's left is crap. At least there isn't any soul-taking, alien-toupee'd idiot swishing around in Man-E-Faces' helmet.
How bad was this movie? The audience I was with laughed at it. They laughed at the dumb neon-faced Necromongers standing around like gecko lizards. They laughed at the stupid alien uniforms, which look like a cross between Roman armor and a pillbug. They traded dumb lines in the lobby outside the door. I heard one kid this particular groaner: “There is only one speed... my speed.” There are lots of movies I don't like, but rarely is there a film in which the audience joins in on the hating.
It was beautiful. But the movie, let's be clear about this, was not.
What a crappy movie. Or more accurately, what we have in The Chronicles of Riddick is three crappy movies, each trying to convince us it's the real film: the blessedly short early movie weighed down with meaningless talk about space religion, the stupid two-parter filled to the gills with evil space fleets, poorly-kept statuary and black Mrs. Macbeth in a tortoiseshell dress, and the long middle movie, about a prison escape from a jail planet, that's more interesting than the entire rest of the film combined. That's not saying much.
Movie number one takes place on Helion Prime, and begins after we're given a couple of wholly unnecessary scenes to establish Riddick's (Vin Diesel) character. (For those who missed Pitch Black, that's “amoral ass-kicker.”) I didn't get the full effect of these scenes because I could barely hear what Vin Diesel was saying. The man's voice is so low it makes Henry Kissinger jealous. At the end of Movie #1 there are strobe-lit fight scenes that rival Pikachu himself in seizure-inducing power, and the universe's most ceremonial explosive device.
Also around this time we meet Aereon, an Air Elemental played by the semi-invisible Judi Dench. Elementals “calculate,” we're told, but we're not told what. (Taxes? Actuary tables? Poker odds?) Ariel's role is to be a bargain-basement Bene Gesserit in a movie that looks, when it starts blabing about prophecy and faith in unconvincing ways, like it'd dearly like to be Dune, if it weren't trying so hard to be space opera. Anyway, Aereon might be interesting if she did even one damn thing in this movie besides be invisible a lot.
That brings us to the second movie, set inside of the (please understand it causes me pain to write this) Necromonger spaceship. The Necromongers are trying to reach either the Omniverse or the Underverse, I'm not sure which. Necromongers operate by turning the people into conquer into Necromongers themselves, but it's not obvious why they do this since later it becomes obvious the procedure doesn't instill any sense of loyalty.
The Necromonger national motto is “You keep what you kill,” a phrase that doesn't make sense even if you've seen the film. (Maybe there are lots of game reserves on their home world?) They are led by the Lord Marshal (Colm Feore), a guy who visited the Omniverse personally, and according to The Invisible Dench, “came back as a different being. Stronger... stranger.” This means he can swoosh about real fast and has, I swear to God, H. R. Giger's comb-over.
And he can take people's souls. Early on he runs up to someone in casual evening-wear, and pulls out a transparent version of him, in transparent evening-wear. The rather surprised, de-souled guy looks back kind of wistfully, like he wants to shout “Hey man, I need that to be with!” then collapses. How long before Riddick gets to experience this? About an hour thirty.
The third movie has little to do with the Necromongers and saving the universe, in which Riddick goes to a completely pointless prison world, Crematoria, so he can meet up with his old girlfriend. This planet marks the beginning of the best parts of the movie, and when we leave, all that's left is crap. At least there isn't any soul-taking, alien-toupee'd idiot swishing around in Man-E-Faces' helmet.
How bad was this movie? The audience I was with laughed at it. They laughed at the dumb neon-faced Necromongers standing around like gecko lizards. They laughed at the stupid alien uniforms, which look like a cross between Roman armor and a pillbug. They traded dumb lines in the lobby outside the door. I heard one kid this particular groaner: “There is only one speed... my speed.” There are lots of movies I don't like, but rarely is there a film in which the audience joins in on the hating.
It was beautiful. But the movie, let's be clear about this, was not.
Friday, June 11, 2004
The Hidden Asses of H. R. Giger
Step one: Go to the homepage of H. R. Giger's official website.
Step two: Note that you are being mooned by strange, insectoid asses peeking out from the right-hand side of the big picture to be found there.
Step three: Shake your fist at the picture and yell "Lousy biomechanical nightmare representing dark fears arising from our dehumanizing society!" Then harumph and walk away.
Step one: Go to the homepage of H. R. Giger's official website.
Step two: Note that you are being mooned by strange, insectoid asses peeking out from the right-hand side of the big picture to be found there.
Step three: Shake your fist at the picture and yell "Lousy biomechanical nightmare representing dark fears arising from our dehumanizing society!" Then harumph and walk away.
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
Games: Talks with Glenn Wichman, co-creator of Rogue
Glen Wichman and Michael Toy singlehandedly created the genre of Roguelike games with the original Rogue, which to this day is one of the best-designed (and hardest) games you're likely to find.
One interview with Glen Wichman is at:
http://home.arcor.de/cybergoth/gamesc/rogueinterview.html
Glen recounting of the creation of the game, on his own site:
http://www.wichman.org/roguehistory.html
And because few people ever experience it, a web page describing a "total winner" game of Rogue:
http://elvis.rowan.edu/~kilroy/other/?rogue
Glen Wichman and Michael Toy singlehandedly created the genre of Roguelike games with the original Rogue, which to this day is one of the best-designed (and hardest) games you're likely to find.
One interview with Glen Wichman is at:
http://home.arcor.de/cybergoth/gamesc/rogueinterview.html
Glen recounting of the creation of the game, on his own site:
http://www.wichman.org/roguehistory.html
And because few people ever experience it, a web page describing a "total winner" game of Rogue:
http://elvis.rowan.edu/~kilroy/other/?rogue
Link: In 2004, vote the George Bush/Zombie Reagan ticket!
Found on metafilter: http://www.bush-zombiereagan.com/
Be especially sure to check out the FAQ!
Found on metafilter: http://www.bush-zombiereagan.com/
Be especially sure to check out the FAQ!
Monday, June 07, 2004
The International Prototype Headlines
Newsfactor Network: Windows Apps: Microsoft Bursts 'True Fantasy' Bubble
Original Article
Awww, it's such a shame that we're being spared yet another ill-advised Massively Multiplayer Option for Raising Personal Girth.
Ever since EverQuest proved one shouldn't ever underestimate the ability of ever-lovin' gamers to play remarkably shallow games forever, everyone's been seeking to jump on the MMORPG bandwagon with their dumb little monster hack-fests.
It's actually a type of game that's close to my heart, but I find it saddening to see everyone approach the genre with Everquest's design manual in their hands and cartoon dollar-signs in their eyes. It's going to take a lot more than hit-a-monster, cast-a-spell, get-a-new-weapon, level-up to get me interested again.
Washington Post: Filter: The Ballmer Treatment
Original Article
"Developers! Developers! Developers!"
Okay, it's out of my system. You know Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer's never going to live that down. High-end workstations being built at this moment are being fitted with AVI copies of the video of that infamous speech in their very ROM, to save their eventual owners the trouble of downloading it.
Folks, this is a long boring article filled with the typical tech-section speculative fascination with whatever Microsoft is doing now, or might do sometime between now and the same time next fiscal year. Microsoft's CEO is getting involved in their Business Solution's Group. Microsoft denies it's a sign of trouble. Gabs are gabbing, wags are wagging, and nags, oh how they are nagging.
And it bores me to tears, despite my proud geek status. Someone wake me when it's Longhorn.
Newsfactor Network: Windows Apps: Microsoft Bursts 'True Fantasy' Bubble
Original Article
Awww, it's such a shame that we're being spared yet another ill-advised Massively Multiplayer Option for Raising Personal Girth.
Ever since EverQuest proved one shouldn't ever underestimate the ability of ever-lovin' gamers to play remarkably shallow games forever, everyone's been seeking to jump on the MMORPG bandwagon with their dumb little monster hack-fests.
It's actually a type of game that's close to my heart, but I find it saddening to see everyone approach the genre with Everquest's design manual in their hands and cartoon dollar-signs in their eyes. It's going to take a lot more than hit-a-monster, cast-a-spell, get-a-new-weapon, level-up to get me interested again.
Washington Post: Filter: The Ballmer Treatment
Original Article
"Developers! Developers! Developers!"
Okay, it's out of my system. You know Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer's never going to live that down. High-end workstations being built at this moment are being fitted with AVI copies of the video of that infamous speech in their very ROM, to save their eventual owners the trouble of downloading it.
Folks, this is a long boring article filled with the typical tech-section speculative fascination with whatever Microsoft is doing now, or might do sometime between now and the same time next fiscal year. Microsoft's CEO is getting involved in their Business Solution's Group. Microsoft denies it's a sign of trouble. Gabs are gabbing, wags are wagging, and nags, oh how they are nagging.
And it bores me to tears, despite my proud geek status. Someone wake me when it's Longhorn.
Sunday, June 06, 2004
Link: Ronald Reagan: In Memorium
This is probably the best of all the Reagan memorials.
Damn it, Medium Lobster did a much better job than I did. CURSE YOU MEDIUM LOBSTER, AND THE POT OF WATER IN WHICH YOU SIMMER!
This is probably the best of all the Reagan memorials.
Damn it, Medium Lobster did a much better job than I did. CURSE YOU MEDIUM LOBSTER, AND THE POT OF WATER IN WHICH YOU SIMMER!
Headlines for Dummies
HeraldNet: News: Dial 'M' for mad
Original Article
From the Associated Press, the gist is that cell phone companies are jerks, and people hate them.
But really, who likes utilities anyway? Who is ever really happy about their phone company, or their water bill, or their electricity provider? Charges for services are becoming decoupled from the costs of providing them, resulting in stupid charges for things requiring dubious effort, like "connection fees" from the phone company. Sometimes I think that more effort goes into coming up with impressive-sounding, rad-flash terminology for new charges, that are unlikely to be questioned by users spotting them on the bill, than for providing the services themselves (which frequently boil down to setting a flag in a database somewhere).
Newsday.com: Technology: Sony's new online music store falls far from Apple's iTunes
Original Article
A sentence from the article:
An online music service designed to appeal to the hip and the fashion-conscious - today's de facto audience for pop - can't afford clunky.
This nearly made me choke on my latte. I'm so glad that the taste-makers have caught on to the importance of stylish user interfaces. I hear Longhorn's new UI will be licensed from Calvin Klein!
HeraldNet: News: Dial 'M' for mad
Original Article
From the Associated Press, the gist is that cell phone companies are jerks, and people hate them.
But really, who likes utilities anyway? Who is ever really happy about their phone company, or their water bill, or their electricity provider? Charges for services are becoming decoupled from the costs of providing them, resulting in stupid charges for things requiring dubious effort, like "connection fees" from the phone company. Sometimes I think that more effort goes into coming up with impressive-sounding, rad-flash terminology for new charges, that are unlikely to be questioned by users spotting them on the bill, than for providing the services themselves (which frequently boil down to setting a flag in a database somewhere).
Newsday.com: Technology: Sony's new online music store falls far from Apple's iTunes
Original Article
A sentence from the article:
An online music service designed to appeal to the hip and the fashion-conscious - today's de facto audience for pop - can't afford clunky.
This nearly made me choke on my latte. I'm so glad that the taste-makers have caught on to the importance of stylish user interfaces. I hear Longhorn's new UI will be licensed from Calvin Klein!
Saturday, June 05, 2004
Ronald Reagan: A (Highly Inaccurate) Life
Earnestine Ronaldo "Ronald" Reagan was born in the depths of the Great Depression, in a small log cabin on the banks of the Hudson River in lower Manhattan. He showed an aptitude for dance at an early age, and at the age of nine was enrolled in the prestigious Joffery Ballet School. But the rigors of training clashed with the emerging independent spirit of the child, and at eleven he ran away to join the circus, where he first met eventual co-star, and long-time collaborator, Bonzo the chimpanzee.
It was Bonzo's urgings that propelled a now high-school age Reagan into professional sports. While he never played football, he lit up the tennis courts, popularizing a practice known for a short time as "gipping," before the National Tennis Association outlawed it for being against the spirit of the game, not to mention a violation of animal cruelty laws. His rapid barring from professional tennis inspired a generation of young tennis stars to protest in his honor, sponsoring a short-lived annual charity tournament that encouraged participants to "win one for the gipper." Their efforts were unsuccessful in convincing the board of the NTA to overturn their ruling, and Reagan would continue to be barred from professional tennis as late as the mid 70's.
Reagan's movie career began when Marlon Brando, engorged from a midnight feast that depleted a small herd of Holsteins, was unable to take the stage in a Broadway production of "A Musical Tribute to Floss." Reagan's homespun take on the popular dental hygiene tool won the hearts of audiences for three seasons, and practically assured him of a movie career.
It was on the set of "Tugboat Annie Sails Again" where Reagan experienced an epiphany, an experience he would later call the defining moment of his life, delivered to him by what he claimed was a small gnome by the name of Screwy. The two would converse late into the night, spending equal time in the actor's trailer and the gnome's magical cavern, hammering out a secret policy document that would be of inestimable aid to Reagan's rise to power. Once it was complete and typed by a team of secretaries the two, Reagan and Screwy, repaired to the trailer where they shook hands in a solemn ceremony. Then Reagan, tears in his eyes, dropped Screwy into a specially-prepared blender, turned it on, mixed him into a smoothie, and quickly drank his former friend, granting him an all-important permanent +2 to his Charisma score, which would, much later, prove instrumental to his bid for the presidency.
It was also on the set of a motion picture that Reagan met his eventual wife, Nancy Milhouse Nixon. Their marriage would not take place for another seven years however, in which time Reagan served as a narc, an agent for the CIA (This information made available under the auspices of the Freedom of Information Act), and an ambassador to the planet Remulax, where he was rumored to have presided over the sacred Smungging of the Schmorgg, an event said to have scarred him for life.
Hitching a ride home on the back of a friendly spacemech by the name of Gravitron, he was soon appointed president of the Screen Actors Guild (SAG), due to the twin influences of the demand from his incredible rapport with audiences and the threat of Gravitron's mighty particle cannon. During his time there he instituted numerous reforms, including workplace protections for porn actors and actresses and the provision of up-to-spec doughnuts on on-set snack tables.
Soon after his stint as president of the SAG he ran into Nancy once more, now under the tutelage of an astrologer going by the name of Mesmer Rasputin Svengali, and before long the two were married under his auspices. (He was legally recognized as able to perform weddings due to being ordained as a minister by the Exalted Ministry of Scienetic Dianology.)
He rode his ever-increasing popularity into the Governor's Mansion of California and is remembered there as a harsh, but fair, ruler. He was the one to institute the office of the Governor's Guard, a team of elite commandos operating on the grounds of the mansion, originally as a provision against the periodic incursions of cybernetic assassination-droid governors traveling back in time from the early 21st century. Reagan's legislative record in California was mixed, having been thwarted multiple times from carrying out his primary campaign promise, the abolishment of Venice Beach.
The rest is common knowledge. How Reagan defeated Carter handily in the U.S. Presidental election by campaigning under the insightful "No Malaise" ticket. His legendary battles with Premier Khruschev both on and off the chessboard. His landslide victory against the Mondalebot leading to his second term. His eventual passing of the office to his protégé and vice president George "Not The Current One" Bush and his subsequent retirement from politics.
In memory of his recent passing, and speaking completely seriously here for a moment, I think we can all agree upon this: no matter how much you may disagree with his politics, with how he ran the country, with his goals and the basis from which he led our nation, he still did an infinitely better job at it than our current President is doing.
Earnestine Ronaldo "Ronald" Reagan was born in the depths of the Great Depression, in a small log cabin on the banks of the Hudson River in lower Manhattan. He showed an aptitude for dance at an early age, and at the age of nine was enrolled in the prestigious Joffery Ballet School. But the rigors of training clashed with the emerging independent spirit of the child, and at eleven he ran away to join the circus, where he first met eventual co-star, and long-time collaborator, Bonzo the chimpanzee.
It was Bonzo's urgings that propelled a now high-school age Reagan into professional sports. While he never played football, he lit up the tennis courts, popularizing a practice known for a short time as "gipping," before the National Tennis Association outlawed it for being against the spirit of the game, not to mention a violation of animal cruelty laws. His rapid barring from professional tennis inspired a generation of young tennis stars to protest in his honor, sponsoring a short-lived annual charity tournament that encouraged participants to "win one for the gipper." Their efforts were unsuccessful in convincing the board of the NTA to overturn their ruling, and Reagan would continue to be barred from professional tennis as late as the mid 70's.
Reagan's movie career began when Marlon Brando, engorged from a midnight feast that depleted a small herd of Holsteins, was unable to take the stage in a Broadway production of "A Musical Tribute to Floss." Reagan's homespun take on the popular dental hygiene tool won the hearts of audiences for three seasons, and practically assured him of a movie career.
It was on the set of "Tugboat Annie Sails Again" where Reagan experienced an epiphany, an experience he would later call the defining moment of his life, delivered to him by what he claimed was a small gnome by the name of Screwy. The two would converse late into the night, spending equal time in the actor's trailer and the gnome's magical cavern, hammering out a secret policy document that would be of inestimable aid to Reagan's rise to power. Once it was complete and typed by a team of secretaries the two, Reagan and Screwy, repaired to the trailer where they shook hands in a solemn ceremony. Then Reagan, tears in his eyes, dropped Screwy into a specially-prepared blender, turned it on, mixed him into a smoothie, and quickly drank his former friend, granting him an all-important permanent +2 to his Charisma score, which would, much later, prove instrumental to his bid for the presidency.
It was also on the set of a motion picture that Reagan met his eventual wife, Nancy Milhouse Nixon. Their marriage would not take place for another seven years however, in which time Reagan served as a narc, an agent for the CIA (This information made available under the auspices of the Freedom of Information Act), and an ambassador to the planet Remulax, where he was rumored to have presided over the sacred Smungging of the Schmorgg, an event said to have scarred him for life.
Hitching a ride home on the back of a friendly spacemech by the name of Gravitron, he was soon appointed president of the Screen Actors Guild (SAG), due to the twin influences of the demand from his incredible rapport with audiences and the threat of Gravitron's mighty particle cannon. During his time there he instituted numerous reforms, including workplace protections for porn actors and actresses and the provision of up-to-spec doughnuts on on-set snack tables.
Soon after his stint as president of the SAG he ran into Nancy once more, now under the tutelage of an astrologer going by the name of Mesmer Rasputin Svengali, and before long the two were married under his auspices. (He was legally recognized as able to perform weddings due to being ordained as a minister by the Exalted Ministry of Scienetic Dianology.)
He rode his ever-increasing popularity into the Governor's Mansion of California and is remembered there as a harsh, but fair, ruler. He was the one to institute the office of the Governor's Guard, a team of elite commandos operating on the grounds of the mansion, originally as a provision against the periodic incursions of cybernetic assassination-droid governors traveling back in time from the early 21st century. Reagan's legislative record in California was mixed, having been thwarted multiple times from carrying out his primary campaign promise, the abolishment of Venice Beach.
The rest is common knowledge. How Reagan defeated Carter handily in the U.S. Presidental election by campaigning under the insightful "No Malaise" ticket. His legendary battles with Premier Khruschev both on and off the chessboard. His landslide victory against the Mondalebot leading to his second term. His eventual passing of the office to his protégé and vice president George "Not The Current One" Bush and his subsequent retirement from politics.
In memory of his recent passing, and speaking completely seriously here for a moment, I think we can all agree upon this: no matter how much you may disagree with his politics, with how he ran the country, with his goals and the basis from which he led our nation, he still did an infinitely better job at it than our current President is doing.
As The Headlines Turn
Internet Week: News: Porn More Popular Than Search
Original Article
But what percentage of people searching are looking for porn huh, tell me that! (Answer: considerable.)
And what percentage of porn viewers were looking for search? I'm waiting! (Answer: Not as many. However, there are an amazing number of domain parkers with sites that are just one letter different from Google's, try misspelling www.google.com on purpose and see what you can find!)
I wouldn't put a lot of faith in this story, in that it doesn't specify how Hitwise, the company supplying these figures, came up with them.
news.com.au: Entertainment: Mini-Me Married Me: Model
Original Article
This is the most messed up story I've read in a while. Let's look at it from the perspective of the thesis and its inverse:
Thesis: The actor that played Mini-Me, Verne Troyer, was at one point married to a "leggy blonde model," Genevieve Gallen. He's seeking to end this marriage, hence the annulment. Were this true... well, let's just say that it's not likely, even if Troyer has a winning personality and controlling interest in a sex toy company. (Hey wait, could what "they" say about short men actually be true?)
Antithesis: The model was never married to Troyer, but wants people to think that she was for some bizarre, sorrowful reason, probably related either to fleecing him for some of his vast piles of cash acquired from being in the Austin Powers movies, or for... um... career advancement?
There's something more to this story, something pertinent fact the intrepid "correspondents in Los Angeles" sited as sources have not revealed. Um-hum, mark my words. Isn't it such a shame that I couldn't care less what that fact is? Leave it to People Magazine, I've got work to do.
Honest!
Internet Week: News: Porn More Popular Than Search
Original Article
But what percentage of people searching are looking for porn huh, tell me that! (Answer: considerable.)
And what percentage of porn viewers were looking for search? I'm waiting! (Answer: Not as many. However, there are an amazing number of domain parkers with sites that are just one letter different from Google's, try misspelling www.google.com on purpose and see what you can find!)
I wouldn't put a lot of faith in this story, in that it doesn't specify how Hitwise, the company supplying these figures, came up with them.
news.com.au: Entertainment: Mini-Me Married Me: Model
Original Article
This is the most messed up story I've read in a while. Let's look at it from the perspective of the thesis and its inverse:
Thesis: The actor that played Mini-Me, Verne Troyer, was at one point married to a "leggy blonde model," Genevieve Gallen. He's seeking to end this marriage, hence the annulment. Were this true... well, let's just say that it's not likely, even if Troyer has a winning personality and controlling interest in a sex toy company. (Hey wait, could what "they" say about short men actually be true?)
Antithesis: The model was never married to Troyer, but wants people to think that she was for some bizarre, sorrowful reason, probably related either to fleecing him for some of his vast piles of cash acquired from being in the Austin Powers movies, or for... um... career advancement?
There's something more to this story, something pertinent fact the intrepid "correspondents in Los Angeles" sited as sources have not revealed. Um-hum, mark my words. Isn't it such a shame that I couldn't care less what that fact is? Leave it to People Magazine, I've got work to do.
Honest!
Friday, June 04, 2004
Better Late Than Headlines
Fox News: Business: McDonald's, Sony Team Up for Free Song Downloads
Original Article
I wouldn't want to admit to having a long-standing relationship with the Walt Disney Company. It's like your name being attached to the phrase "willing to suck ass," furtively scrawled on public bathroom tile.
Sounds to me like Coke's annoyed at having missed the Pepsi iTunes promotional bus. (Which, by the way, rocked. Because of that promotion I now have a recording of Jack Kerouac himself reading a snippet of his writing. It's all I can do to stop myself from levitating out of my chair out of sheer smugness!)
Reuters: U.S.: KFC Promises Not to Make Unsupported Health Claims
Original Article
But unsupported health claims are so much fun! Suppresses cough symptoms, prevents unwanted pregnancies and builds strong bodies seven different ways! Sharpens the workings of your eyes' rods and cones even while it cures liver spots! Cleanses your pores and is medically equivalent to a colonic irrigation! The Secret Recipe is a sovereign remedy for whatever ails you. Available over-the-counter, or by prescription.
Zap2it.com: Movies: Movie News: Jackson Cleared of Molestation Charge
Original Article
Isn't it a relief to be know that Jackson is a normal and completely non-creepy human being? Speaking of which, take a look at his skeletal mug at the top of this page and tell me, honestly now: if you didn't know he was the ostensible King of Pop, wouldn't it be easy to mistake him for some aging, decrepit movie queen?
Celebrity Cafe: Features: Movies: Gibson Bent on Raising Hell
Original Article
Your cinematic prognosticator weighs forth on the film! The following three things are certain to be true about this project:
1. 50% or less of Boudicca's body will be covered by clothing, thus fulfilling the definition of the word "half-naked."
2. The Romans will not come well out of it. This will not be a movie that will humanize anyone; the heroes/heroines will be noble and austere, the villains, ravaging and snarling.
3. Someone will be tortured and killed in a gruesome manner, and the torture will be presented vividly, almost longingly, up on the screen.
Fox News: Business: McDonald's, Sony Team Up for Free Song Downloads
Original Article
McDonald's Corp. and Sony Corp. Thursday teamed up to give away free music downloads, in a move analysts said raised questions about McDonald's long-standing relationship with Walt Disney Co.
I wouldn't want to admit to having a long-standing relationship with the Walt Disney Company. It's like your name being attached to the phrase "willing to suck ass," furtively scrawled on public bathroom tile.
Sounds to me like Coke's annoyed at having missed the Pepsi iTunes promotional bus. (Which, by the way, rocked. Because of that promotion I now have a recording of Jack Kerouac himself reading a snippet of his writing. It's all I can do to stop myself from levitating out of my chair out of sheer smugness!)
Reuters: U.S.: KFC Promises Not to Make Unsupported Health Claims
Original Article
Yum Brands Inc.'s KFC unit promised on Thursday not to make unsupported health claims as part of a settlement with U.S. regulators over ads touting fried chicken as a good choice for dieters.
But unsupported health claims are so much fun! Suppresses cough symptoms, prevents unwanted pregnancies and builds strong bodies seven different ways! Sharpens the workings of your eyes' rods and cones even while it cures liver spots! Cleanses your pores and is medically equivalent to a colonic irrigation! The Secret Recipe is a sovereign remedy for whatever ails you. Available over-the-counter, or by prescription.
Zap2it.com: Movies: Movie News: Jackson Cleared of Molestation Charge
Original Article
Michael Jackson has been cleared of charges that he molested a Los Angeles boy in the 1980s due to a lack of evidence.
Isn't it a relief to be know that Jackson is a normal and completely non-creepy human being? Speaking of which, take a look at his skeletal mug at the top of this page and tell me, honestly now: if you didn't know he was the ostensible King of Pop, wouldn't it be easy to mistake him for some aging, decrepit movie queen?
Celebrity Cafe: Features: Movies: Gibson Bent on Raising Hell
Original Article
Hard as it must be to follow a controversial film like Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ, the devout Catholic is reported to be trying to do just that with a big-screen depiction of Britain’s warrior queen, Boudicca.
Your cinematic prognosticator weighs forth on the film! The following three things are certain to be true about this project:
1. 50% or less of Boudicca's body will be covered by clothing, thus fulfilling the definition of the word "half-naked."
2. The Romans will not come well out of it. This will not be a movie that will humanize anyone; the heroes/heroines will be noble and austere, the villains, ravaging and snarling.
3. Someone will be tortured and killed in a gruesome manner, and the torture will be presented vividly, almost longingly, up on the screen.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
NOT headlines! Instead, a new Nethack patch
Nethack, of course, is the ever-popular open-source roguelike game.
The patch (diff format) adds a new type of room to the game, the "island."
Yes, this is why blog updates have been a little slow lately. Yes, I'll be getting back to my usual incoherent self shortly.
Nethack, of course, is the ever-popular open-source roguelike game.
The patch (diff format) adds a new type of room to the game, the "island."
Yes, this is why blog updates have been a little slow lately. Yes, I'll be getting back to my usual incoherent self shortly.
