Hopefully Not Stupid
Sunday, May 30, 2004
Link: Daily Reason to Dispatch Bush
On McSweeney's, the daily reason to dispatch Bush is a pocket universe of sanity in a political landscape spiraling smoothly down the commode. Every one of the issues mentioned on the site is seriously important, and seeing them all in one place makes clear just how much harm Bush has done to the office of President. What get me is how people complain about Kerry in the most pitiful and stupid manner (Vietnam vets don't like him? Puhleeze.) while every day Bush commits more crimes against rational behavior. I cannot name a recent president, Democrat *or* Republican, as loathsome as Prezzy B. I'm amazed anyone who's not a Bible-thumper would vote for him.
On McSweeney's, the daily reason to dispatch Bush is a pocket universe of sanity in a political landscape spiraling smoothly down the commode. Every one of the issues mentioned on the site is seriously important, and seeing them all in one place makes clear just how much harm Bush has done to the office of President. What get me is how people complain about Kerry in the most pitiful and stupid manner (Vietnam vets don't like him? Puhleeze.) while every day Bush commits more crimes against rational behavior. I cannot name a recent president, Democrat *or* Republican, as loathsome as Prezzy B. I'm amazed anyone who's not a Bible-thumper would vote for him.
Friday, May 28, 2004
Stay Tuned for Max H-H-H-H-Headlines
Forbes: Lifestyle: Health: Salsa a Bacteria Stopper
Original Article
And salsa moves up to the semi-final round! This one could be tough: can it kill burly, danger-drinking extremophile bacteria found in geothermal vents on the ocean floor?
Next week on Spicy Food/One-Celled Organism Face Off! Who would win in a fight, wasabi or a Metroid? My money’s on the Metroid, but then, I’ve never discovered the fabled Sushi Beam when playing Zero Mission....
(Gratuitous video game reference of the week: check!)
Reuters: News: U.S.: Authorities Search Detroit Home for Hoffa's Blood
Original Article
Ding Dong
"Hello, we’re from the county police. (flashes badge) Do you have any blood of Jimmy Hoffa here?"
"I see... would you mind if we had a look around?"
I’m sure the article makes boring, typical sense of the headline. But by itself, it possesses a whimsical, heartening charm rarely seen in a news article. Do scientists want to clone Hoffa? Are they trying to appease a hungry vampire by adding to his midnight repast just a dash of aged teamster? Are Hoffa’s bodily fluids not approved for use as a building material?
I’m reminded of Thurber explaining how interesting life had become for him without his glasses. You can read the above article and get the scoop behind the headline if you so choose. With no offense intended towards Mr. Hoffa and his family, me, I’d be much happier without it.
Forbes: Lifestyle: Health: Salsa a Bacteria Stopper
Original Article
And salsa moves up to the semi-final round! This one could be tough: can it kill burly, danger-drinking extremophile bacteria found in geothermal vents on the ocean floor?
Next week on Spicy Food/One-Celled Organism Face Off! Who would win in a fight, wasabi or a Metroid? My money’s on the Metroid, but then, I’ve never discovered the fabled Sushi Beam when playing Zero Mission....
(Gratuitous video game reference of the week: check!)
Reuters: News: U.S.: Authorities Search Detroit Home for Hoffa's Blood
Original Article
Ding Dong
"Hello, we’re from the county police. (flashes badge) Do you have any blood of Jimmy Hoffa here?"
"I see... would you mind if we had a look around?"
I’m sure the article makes boring, typical sense of the headline. But by itself, it possesses a whimsical, heartening charm rarely seen in a news article. Do scientists want to clone Hoffa? Are they trying to appease a hungry vampire by adding to his midnight repast just a dash of aged teamster? Are Hoffa’s bodily fluids not approved for use as a building material?
I’m reminded of Thurber explaining how interesting life had become for him without his glasses. You can read the above article and get the scoop behind the headline if you so choose. With no offense intended towards Mr. Hoffa and his family, me, I’d be much happier without it.
Thursday, May 27, 2004
The Book of Headlines, Chapter Four, Verses 16-20
It's time for the culturally-insensitive joke of the week!
Seattle Post-Intelligencer: Nation/World: Thousands line up to see Buddha finger
Original Article
How do these practices get started? I could be mistaken, but I strongly suspect the Buddha didn't fill out an organ donor card. Remind me, if I ever start a massively-popular religion, to put a clause in my will that my cooling remains are not to be diced-up and parceled out to believers as part of membership drives, fund raisers, revivals, healing ceremonies, crusades, museum exhibits or theme park rides. I do not believe mere cremation would fix this problem, as I'm sure whatever religious organization I could possibly found would have no compunction of selling molecules of Harris Ash for dissolving in your morning coffee. (Rich in seven essential geek minerals!)
And lest you think this story is just another version of "Those Wacky Asians," remember the Catholic Church has made serious gravy from fragments of the corpses of saints for centuries. Because just as the horn of a rhinoceros can cancel-out impotence, the knuckle-bone of Saint Peter is a sure-cure for whatever ails you. I think it should somewhere in a manual for up-and-coming Messiahs: remember to teach that it is absolutely forbidden to cut off your private parts, box 'em, and make them available in the gift shop.
I'm sure Jesus must have said that at some point. It'll all come out in the upcoming Director's Cut of the Bible.
Back to the Catholics, you've got to admit, even ordinary visits by the Pope these days carry with them a subtle air of necromancy. (Translation: He's old, folks!)
The Official Holy Severed Finger of Buddha Tour is brought to you by the Chinese Government and Clark Bars.
Putin Promises to Restore Unity in Russian Orthodox Church
Original Article
Okay, I admit it, that one was cheap.
It's time for the culturally-insensitive joke of the week!
Seattle Post-Intelligencer: Nation/World: Thousands line up to see Buddha finger
Original Article
Tens of thousands of people lined up Thursday to see one of Buddha's fingers - on loan from China for 10 days - and although they were herded past in a hurry, many said the relic offered Hong Kong fresh hopes for peace and calm.
How do these practices get started? I could be mistaken, but I strongly suspect the Buddha didn't fill out an organ donor card. Remind me, if I ever start a massively-popular religion, to put a clause in my will that my cooling remains are not to be diced-up and parceled out to believers as part of membership drives, fund raisers, revivals, healing ceremonies, crusades, museum exhibits or theme park rides. I do not believe mere cremation would fix this problem, as I'm sure whatever religious organization I could possibly found would have no compunction of selling molecules of Harris Ash for dissolving in your morning coffee. (Rich in seven essential geek minerals!)
And lest you think this story is just another version of "Those Wacky Asians," remember the Catholic Church has made serious gravy from fragments of the corpses of saints for centuries. Because just as the horn of a rhinoceros can cancel-out impotence, the knuckle-bone of Saint Peter is a sure-cure for whatever ails you. I think it should somewhere in a manual for up-and-coming Messiahs: remember to teach that it is absolutely forbidden to cut off your private parts, box 'em, and make them available in the gift shop.
I'm sure Jesus must have said that at some point. It'll all come out in the upcoming Director's Cut of the Bible.
Back to the Catholics, you've got to admit, even ordinary visits by the Pope these days carry with them a subtle air of necromancy. (Translation: He's old, folks!)
The Official Holy Severed Finger of Buddha Tour is brought to you by the Chinese Government and Clark Bars.
Putin Promises to Restore Unity in Russian Orthodox Church
Original Article
President Putin said Thursday his government will not interfere in church affairs, but will take all steps possible to create conditions for a revival of the church and the restoration of its unity.That's got to be a lot harder than just providing plenty of sunlight and the occasional shot of Miracle-Gro. I'm curious how a government would go about that in a non-evil fashion. Can you imagine how frightening it would be to hear the American President seriously discuss church revival?
Okay, I admit it, that one was cheap.
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
ChibiHeadline
Kansas City Star: Nation: Hippo sweat contains stinky compounds that act as sunblock
Original Article
Well at least hippo drips aren't yet considered an aphrodisiac like practically every other giant animal residue and organ.
Being an animal with a large-phallus-resembling body part is so likely to get you hunted to the brink of extinction, in fact, that the shape is almost certainly being selected against. The meek certainly will inherit the earth, because if you're in any way big and bold, worried impotent men will pay any price to attempt sympathetic magic with your honker.
Kansas City Star: Nation: Hippo sweat contains stinky compounds that act as sunblock
Original Article
Well at least hippo drips aren't yet considered an aphrodisiac like practically every other giant animal residue and organ.
Being an animal with a large-phallus-resembling body part is so likely to get you hunted to the brink of extinction, in fact, that the shape is almost certainly being selected against. The meek certainly will inherit the earth, because if you're in any way big and bold, worried impotent men will pay any price to attempt sympathetic magic with your honker.
Monday, May 24, 2004
MSNBC: Georgia governor roots for American Idol
MSNBC: Entertainment: Governor urges people to vote Georgia ‘Idol’
Original Article
The governor of my own state of residence, Sonny Perdue, urges Georgians to vote for Georgia resident Diana DeGarmo in the upcoming American Idol showdown.
To this, I say: What? Is this a joke? It seems on the level, it's on the MSNBC website.
Further down, from the article:
"I think history will judge me as a man who was neutral in 'American Idol' competitions when decorum called for it, but now the rubber is hitting the road. I am standing by Diana DeGarmo," Perdue said in a statement Monday.
I think history will judge him for being a bloody stupid man if he's going to use his office to influence the outcome of a reality program. What a moron! I still hold out some hope that this is all a joke. Continuing:
He signed a proclamation declaring Tuesday as "Dial for Diana DeGarmo Day." The proclamation was accompanied by detailed voting instructions.
It's gotta be a joke! It's exactly like an Onion article, except this is free and The Onion is now subscriber-biased! Someone tell me this is a joke, I can't believe even the governor of Georgia could be this much of a putz. Doesn't he have enough on his plate, like boosting our abysmal public school system, without loading it up with such ignoble gravy?
MSNBC: Entertainment: Governor urges people to vote Georgia ‘Idol’
Original Article
The governor of my own state of residence, Sonny Perdue, urges Georgians to vote for Georgia resident Diana DeGarmo in the upcoming American Idol showdown.
To this, I say: What? Is this a joke? It seems on the level, it's on the MSNBC website.
Further down, from the article:
"I think history will judge me as a man who was neutral in 'American Idol' competitions when decorum called for it, but now the rubber is hitting the road. I am standing by Diana DeGarmo," Perdue said in a statement Monday.
I think history will judge him for being a bloody stupid man if he's going to use his office to influence the outcome of a reality program. What a moron! I still hold out some hope that this is all a joke. Continuing:
He signed a proclamation declaring Tuesday as "Dial for Diana DeGarmo Day." The proclamation was accompanied by detailed voting instructions.
It's gotta be a joke! It's exactly like an Onion article, except this is free and The Onion is now subscriber-biased! Someone tell me this is a joke, I can't believe even the governor of Georgia could be this much of a putz. Doesn't he have enough on his plate, like boosting our abysmal public school system, without loading it up with such ignoble gravy?
Sunday, May 23, 2004
And the Headlines Came Back, the Very Next Day
Witchita Eagle: Business: Do-it-yourself ringtone software encroaching on potential profits, some record labels say
Original Article
All together now:
Duh!
Of course it encroaches on potential profits. Everything encroaches on some version of potential profits. The fact that we breathe free and available oxygen encroaches on the potential profits of air-sellers. This is as if all the doors in your home were licensed on a "per use" basis! It is unethical to expect people to pay you merely to pass by their arbitrary technical barrier.
To me, the selling of ring tones is just about the dumbest business model in the world. You pay someone in order to have a few notes of a song play whenever their cell phone rings, and you pay more for each potential song that could play. That people shell out such cash for these things, to me, demonstrates the danger of having a stupid-based economy.
But then, I don't even have a cellular phone. Maybe when you sign up you have to agree to a Terms Of Service clause that requires you to obsess over those things. Don't people read the fine print?
CBS MarketWatch: News & Commentary: All Computers sues Intel over patent
Original Article
I love catching grammar mistakes! Shouldn't that be "All computers sue Intel over patent?" Where did this writer go to school? Can't CBS afford to hire a copy editor? Why I oughtta....
Five minutes pass during which Joyce, the blogger's long-suffering, typewriter-capable house fern, asks him to read the whole article, explaining on a 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper that "All Computers" is the name of a Toronto-based company.
Okay, uh.... I hate software patents! When I think of land grabbing coders putting claim signs on huge swaths of our technological mindspace my blood boils, these people should....
Three minutes later, Joyce has explained that this has nothing to do with software patents, and everything to do with patenting an aspect of chip design, which is not at all the same thing.
Um. Never mind then! All is well! Go back to your homes, secure in the knowledge that I am on watch, eye on the horizon, hand steady on the tiller....
Joyce sighs, swivels her pot back around towards the T.V., and resumes watching Amazing Stories on the Sci-Fi Channel.
The Australian: Business: Time Recovers From AOL Wreck
Original Article
Glad to see they're finally pulling themselves out of the rubble of one of the most spectacularly bad business decisions of the past ten years. While knowledge of AOL's past, and the Commodore hacker split-personality I have rummaging back around the dustier parts of my brain, makes me slightly teary-eyed about the fate of erstwhile QuantumLink, I'm consoled by the knowledge that AOL's current troubles are a just reward for their crappy, proprietary Internet service. Get a load of these quotes from the articles, taken from none other than Time Warner chairman Richard Parsons:
"AOL is not only righting itself but is also becoming a serious engine of growth."
The only things growing for AOL at the moment are the piles of install CDs and a mysterious rotting stench.
"Our challenge is to articulate to Wall Street that there is a Yahoo inside AOL so that some of that internet fairy dust gets sprinkled on AOL."
Oh, that poor Parsons. Somehow he thinks that Yahoo! is the hip web place to be, completely ignoring a certain six-letter-named company with a colorful logo. That's exactly the kind of technology insight that convinced execs Time Warner should merge with AOL in the first place. And by referring to "Internet fairy dust," he betrays just how faddish he considers all this f/shmanchy web stuff to be.
Oh, and the article mentions that Parsons got an eight million dollar bonus last year. But I'm sure he works his sweet little heart out for it, the dickens!
Witchita Eagle: Business: Do-it-yourself ringtone software encroaching on potential profits, some record labels say
Original Article
All together now:
Duh!
Of course it encroaches on potential profits. Everything encroaches on some version of potential profits. The fact that we breathe free and available oxygen encroaches on the potential profits of air-sellers. This is as if all the doors in your home were licensed on a "per use" basis! It is unethical to expect people to pay you merely to pass by their arbitrary technical barrier.
To me, the selling of ring tones is just about the dumbest business model in the world. You pay someone in order to have a few notes of a song play whenever their cell phone rings, and you pay more for each potential song that could play. That people shell out such cash for these things, to me, demonstrates the danger of having a stupid-based economy.
But then, I don't even have a cellular phone. Maybe when you sign up you have to agree to a Terms Of Service clause that requires you to obsess over those things. Don't people read the fine print?
CBS MarketWatch: News & Commentary: All Computers sues Intel over patent
Original Article
I love catching grammar mistakes! Shouldn't that be "All computers sue Intel over patent?" Where did this writer go to school? Can't CBS afford to hire a copy editor? Why I oughtta....
Five minutes pass during which Joyce, the blogger's long-suffering, typewriter-capable house fern, asks him to read the whole article, explaining on a 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper that "All Computers" is the name of a Toronto-based company.
Okay, uh.... I hate software patents! When I think of land grabbing coders putting claim signs on huge swaths of our technological mindspace my blood boils, these people should....
Three minutes later, Joyce has explained that this has nothing to do with software patents, and everything to do with patenting an aspect of chip design, which is not at all the same thing.
Um. Never mind then! All is well! Go back to your homes, secure in the knowledge that I am on watch, eye on the horizon, hand steady on the tiller....
Joyce sighs, swivels her pot back around towards the T.V., and resumes watching Amazing Stories on the Sci-Fi Channel.
The Australian: Business: Time Recovers From AOL Wreck
Original Article
Glad to see they're finally pulling themselves out of the rubble of one of the most spectacularly bad business decisions of the past ten years. While knowledge of AOL's past, and the Commodore hacker split-personality I have rummaging back around the dustier parts of my brain, makes me slightly teary-eyed about the fate of erstwhile QuantumLink, I'm consoled by the knowledge that AOL's current troubles are a just reward for their crappy, proprietary Internet service. Get a load of these quotes from the articles, taken from none other than Time Warner chairman Richard Parsons:
"AOL is not only righting itself but is also becoming a serious engine of growth."
The only things growing for AOL at the moment are the piles of install CDs and a mysterious rotting stench.
"Our challenge is to articulate to Wall Street that there is a Yahoo inside AOL so that some of that internet fairy dust gets sprinkled on AOL."
Oh, that poor Parsons. Somehow he thinks that Yahoo! is the hip web place to be, completely ignoring a certain six-letter-named company with a colorful logo. That's exactly the kind of technology insight that convinced execs Time Warner should merge with AOL in the first place. And by referring to "Internet fairy dust," he betrays just how faddish he considers all this f/shmanchy web stuff to be.
Oh, and the article mentions that Parsons got an eight million dollar bonus last year. But I'm sure he works his sweet little heart out for it, the dickens!
Saturday, May 22, 2004
Faster Than a Speeding Headlines
CNN.com: U.S.: Bush falls on bike ride
Original Article
Chevy Chase could not be reached for comment.
seattlepi.com: Commentary: Is torturing war prisoners a betrayal of U.S. values?
Original Article
Nations don't have values. People have values. I live in the U.S. and I couldn't torture a fly, though I should add that may just be me not being able to catch the darn things. However, living just a short distance from my Dad's home in Brunswick, Georgia are people who, concievably, could torture flies, Iraqis and, statistically-speaking, a good percentage of their spouses. Let's just say It happens that these people are also, again statistically-speaking, more likely to join the military.
Is torturing war prisoners a betrayal of U.S. values? Possibly. Is it a betrayal of military values? Not as likely. A betrayal of redneck values? Ever see Deliverance?
NPR: All Things Considered: Big Tobacco Ordered to Help Smokers Quit
Original Article
I like the term "Big Tobacco." I imagine a giant anthropomorphic cigarette, Mr. Butts on the scale of Godzilla, laying waste to both the countryside and urban air quality.
The tobacco industry, it should be noted, has already been running anti-smoking ad campaigns, to try to curtail teen smoking. When I watch those commercials, somehow I am not filled with a great degree of confidence in their message.
CNN.com: U.S.: Bush falls on bike ride
Original Article
Chevy Chase could not be reached for comment.
seattlepi.com: Commentary: Is torturing war prisoners a betrayal of U.S. values?
Original Article
Nations don't have values. People have values. I live in the U.S. and I couldn't torture a fly, though I should add that may just be me not being able to catch the darn things. However, living just a short distance from my Dad's home in Brunswick, Georgia are people who, concievably, could torture flies, Iraqis and, statistically-speaking, a good percentage of their spouses. Let's just say It happens that these people are also, again statistically-speaking, more likely to join the military.
Is torturing war prisoners a betrayal of U.S. values? Possibly. Is it a betrayal of military values? Not as likely. A betrayal of redneck values? Ever see Deliverance?
NPR: All Things Considered: Big Tobacco Ordered to Help Smokers Quit
Original Article
I like the term "Big Tobacco." I imagine a giant anthropomorphic cigarette, Mr. Butts on the scale of Godzilla, laying waste to both the countryside and urban air quality.
The tobacco industry, it should be noted, has already been running anti-smoking ad campaigns, to try to curtail teen smoking. When I watch those commercials, somehow I am not filled with a great degree of confidence in their message.
Stupid Movie Lines
With an eye out for the onset of the summer blockbuster season, and taking a cue from Roger Ebert's Little Movie Glossary, I've begun trying to catalog the various stupid movie (especially action movie) lines and phrases that pop up repeatedly in the periodic celuoid morons with which our warmer months are cursed.
Ebert's book finds names for common movie cliches (of which there are hundreds). My aim is more subdued: I seek only specific phrases, or near-matches of those phrases, that crop up time and again in many movies.
Here are the first two:
"It's more (X) than you can possibly imagine."
Recently guilty: Hidalgo
Sakes alive, how many things are there in this world that we can't possibly imagine? I suspect more than any of us realize, but I doubt a typical lobotomy-patient action film is an appropriate guru to seek out for such enlightenment. This one is so overused that it's quickly shooting up to "In a world where..." status, in other words, infallibly indicative of movie lameness.
This one crops up both in movies and in trailers. No one expects great writing from trailers, but the movie itself should know better.
To "call" this phrase, in case you're engaged in some sort of drinking game, it must at least contain the word imagine or a derivative of it, and the implication that the movie, or something within it, defeats imagining. So for example, also fitting this structure is anything that is "beyond imagination."
"You can't kill me... I'm already dead!"
Recently guilty: Van Helsing
The undead are constantly gloating about their status to mortals. Well, I guess I'd have reason to gloat too, if I found a way to send the laws of thermodynamics packing and had applied it to the workings of my internal organs.
This also comes in the form of a question, like "How do you kill what's already dead?" The answer, obviously, is: "You don't have to. Go have a cookie." If you're dead and still walking around, then the authority that's doing the dead-declaring in your area is incompetent, and you should be directing your complaints to the local morgue.
With an eye out for the onset of the summer blockbuster season, and taking a cue from Roger Ebert's Little Movie Glossary, I've begun trying to catalog the various stupid movie (especially action movie) lines and phrases that pop up repeatedly in the periodic celuoid morons with which our warmer months are cursed.
Ebert's book finds names for common movie cliches (of which there are hundreds). My aim is more subdued: I seek only specific phrases, or near-matches of those phrases, that crop up time and again in many movies.
Here are the first two:
"It's more (X) than you can possibly imagine."
Recently guilty: Hidalgo
Sakes alive, how many things are there in this world that we can't possibly imagine? I suspect more than any of us realize, but I doubt a typical lobotomy-patient action film is an appropriate guru to seek out for such enlightenment. This one is so overused that it's quickly shooting up to "In a world where..." status, in other words, infallibly indicative of movie lameness.
This one crops up both in movies and in trailers. No one expects great writing from trailers, but the movie itself should know better.
To "call" this phrase, in case you're engaged in some sort of drinking game, it must at least contain the word imagine or a derivative of it, and the implication that the movie, or something within it, defeats imagining. So for example, also fitting this structure is anything that is "beyond imagination."
"You can't kill me... I'm already dead!"
Recently guilty: Van Helsing
The undead are constantly gloating about their status to mortals. Well, I guess I'd have reason to gloat too, if I found a way to send the laws of thermodynamics packing and had applied it to the workings of my internal organs.
This also comes in the form of a question, like "How do you kill what's already dead?" The answer, obviously, is: "You don't have to. Go have a cookie." If you're dead and still walking around, then the authority that's doing the dead-declaring in your area is incompetent, and you should be directing your complaints to the local morgue.
Movie Review: Van Helsing
This was originally published in the George-Anne, campus newspaper of Georgia Southern University.
VAN HELSING
Rated: One Star
When one of the first statements in the vampire movie you're watching is that moldering chestnut, you can’t kill what’s already dead, you know you’re in for a hard slog.
“Van Helsing” must have seemed like a great idea on paper. Take the most famous character from the novel Dracula other than the big bat himself, and put him up against a rogues’ gallery of baddies: Mr. Hyde, Frankenstein’s Monster, a wolfman, and Dracula and three brides. In other words, an entire league of extraordinary monsters. After all, why stop at one monster when you can use every toy in the box: it’s not like any of these characters are under copyright anymore.
The result is a special kind of awful. For starters, this Van Helsing has nothing to do with the character in the classic horror novel except for the fact that he fights ol’ Vladdy. They cooked up such a putrid stew of rotting character fragments, and the rankest hunk of meat is the simmering corpse of Van Helsing himself, who has been turned from a great, learned Victorian man of science justly fighting an evil creature into a sort of late 19th-century James Bond, sponsored, not by England but by the Vatican, and with a standard-issue mysterious past.
Yes, the Vatican, complete with an M-like mission assigner with an honest-to-god slide-projector, and a Q-like gadget man, Carl, who sticks around the whole movie in order to remind us, over and over, that he’s not a monk but a friar. (Fortunately, Drac brought the briquettes.) What we have here is Ian Fleming’s Dracula.
The story goes that Van Helsing’s this guy who’s lost his memory, then was found by the Vatican and trained as a monster hunter. They know who he really is, hell Dracula knows too, but he doesn’t, so Drac Daddy can reveal it to him later in order to set up a moment of crisis at the beginning of the third act. It turns out later that he’s actually a really old Roman guy who killed Dracula originally. Like the first time. Before he became a vampire.
I’ll wait while anyone who knows anything about the novel Dracula picks their jaw up off the floor.
The movie drags on with a thousand stupid wonders. The prologue fight against Dr. Jekyll and Mr. CGI. The gross-out baby vampires, about whom you would be forgiven if you thought they must have been sneezed into existence. It seems that baby vampires are born dead, which must make for a lot of depressing evenings in the Dracula homestead. And it turns out that you can jump-start baby vamps by hooking them to a werewolf, but to keep them running for good you need to pop the hood on Frankenstein’s Monster.
The female vampires seem to exist primarily to alternate between being evil and motherly. They like shouting “FEEEED!” at the top of their undead lungs as little vamplings adorably cart away villagers. It’s a shame that, despite their raft of demonic powers, they’re so easy to fool with the Ol’ Fake Carriage Trick.
At the end we have a very special episode of Animal Face-Off: Head Vampire vs. Huge Werewolf, an argument that’s run through the brains of a thousand Dungeons & Dragons fanboys made visible, reeking, on the screen. Oh, and the big prize for winning is eternal salvation for Helsing’s girlfriend, a story point that’s just got to be making a certain Son of God violently clear his throat.
The movie also shows a blithering disregard for consistent accents. Why does Van Helsing speak with a perfect American accent when he’s never been near the States? My guess is the ancient Rome Van Helsing came from must be the same one that birthed Russell Crowe.
Even with all this crap so vividly realized up on screen, the movie could have worked, in a goofy, lighthearted way. The director was Stephen Sommers, the guy who directed the pretty-good “The Mummy,” before helming the rather-bad “The Mummy Returns.” It’s as if Sommers thinks directing the same old schlock with ever-increasing degrees of deadly seriousness equals maturing as a director.
Sommers! Come back to us from the dark side! I’m sure Brendan Fraiser will let you direct him again if you ask nicely!
This was originally published in the George-Anne, campus newspaper of Georgia Southern University.
VAN HELSING
Rated: One Star
When one of the first statements in the vampire movie you're watching is that moldering chestnut, you can’t kill what’s already dead, you know you’re in for a hard slog.
“Van Helsing” must have seemed like a great idea on paper. Take the most famous character from the novel Dracula other than the big bat himself, and put him up against a rogues’ gallery of baddies: Mr. Hyde, Frankenstein’s Monster, a wolfman, and Dracula and three brides. In other words, an entire league of extraordinary monsters. After all, why stop at one monster when you can use every toy in the box: it’s not like any of these characters are under copyright anymore.
The result is a special kind of awful. For starters, this Van Helsing has nothing to do with the character in the classic horror novel except for the fact that he fights ol’ Vladdy. They cooked up such a putrid stew of rotting character fragments, and the rankest hunk of meat is the simmering corpse of Van Helsing himself, who has been turned from a great, learned Victorian man of science justly fighting an evil creature into a sort of late 19th-century James Bond, sponsored, not by England but by the Vatican, and with a standard-issue mysterious past.
Yes, the Vatican, complete with an M-like mission assigner with an honest-to-god slide-projector, and a Q-like gadget man, Carl, who sticks around the whole movie in order to remind us, over and over, that he’s not a monk but a friar. (Fortunately, Drac brought the briquettes.) What we have here is Ian Fleming’s Dracula.
The story goes that Van Helsing’s this guy who’s lost his memory, then was found by the Vatican and trained as a monster hunter. They know who he really is, hell Dracula knows too, but he doesn’t, so Drac Daddy can reveal it to him later in order to set up a moment of crisis at the beginning of the third act. It turns out later that he’s actually a really old Roman guy who killed Dracula originally. Like the first time. Before he became a vampire.
I’ll wait while anyone who knows anything about the novel Dracula picks their jaw up off the floor.
The movie drags on with a thousand stupid wonders. The prologue fight against Dr. Jekyll and Mr. CGI. The gross-out baby vampires, about whom you would be forgiven if you thought they must have been sneezed into existence. It seems that baby vampires are born dead, which must make for a lot of depressing evenings in the Dracula homestead. And it turns out that you can jump-start baby vamps by hooking them to a werewolf, but to keep them running for good you need to pop the hood on Frankenstein’s Monster.
The female vampires seem to exist primarily to alternate between being evil and motherly. They like shouting “FEEEED!” at the top of their undead lungs as little vamplings adorably cart away villagers. It’s a shame that, despite their raft of demonic powers, they’re so easy to fool with the Ol’ Fake Carriage Trick.
At the end we have a very special episode of Animal Face-Off: Head Vampire vs. Huge Werewolf, an argument that’s run through the brains of a thousand Dungeons & Dragons fanboys made visible, reeking, on the screen. Oh, and the big prize for winning is eternal salvation for Helsing’s girlfriend, a story point that’s just got to be making a certain Son of God violently clear his throat.
The movie also shows a blithering disregard for consistent accents. Why does Van Helsing speak with a perfect American accent when he’s never been near the States? My guess is the ancient Rome Van Helsing came from must be the same one that birthed Russell Crowe.
Even with all this crap so vividly realized up on screen, the movie could have worked, in a goofy, lighthearted way. The director was Stephen Sommers, the guy who directed the pretty-good “The Mummy,” before helming the rather-bad “The Mummy Returns.” It’s as if Sommers thinks directing the same old schlock with ever-increasing degrees of deadly seriousness equals maturing as a director.
Sommers! Come back to us from the dark side! I’m sure Brendan Fraiser will let you direct him again if you ask nicely!
Friday, May 21, 2004
The Mate was a Mighty Sailing Man, the Headlines Brave and Sure
TechNewsWorld: Global: Napster Is Back - And This Time It's Legal
Original Article
And this time, it's evil.
Of course Napster's been "back" for a while now. The original popular peer-to-peer music sharing platform, the software that put P2P on the map for most people, has been rejiggered and conflabulated into an iTunes-ish music purchase system without a lick of file sharing to be found. It's only called Napster because Roxio bought the rights to the name. And now, it's available in the U.K.
Congratulations, Brits! You can now pay to hear a selection of studio-approved music, to which all access evaporates once you stop paying. I'm sure there will be dancing in the streets.
Massachusetts Seeks to Halt Some Gay Marriages
Original Article
Nooooo! We have too many gay couples as it is, no more! We have been overwhelmed by the gigantic quantities of sodomy now taking place within our borders! Please stop coming here, as we're already dangerously close to the "gay couple smite-threshold" ominously alluded to in multiple places in the Bible. We figure that even one more legally-sanctioned gay couple could tip the balance! If this tide is not stemmed soon it could very well result in instant and massive divine retrib--
-ZOT!-
IPS: Agriculture: Canada's Top Court Backs Monsanto Against Farmer
Original Article
A plucky farmer committed the heinous act of planting seed resulting from the growing of genetically-modified canola purchased from Monsanto, your friendly neighborhood Humongous Multinational Agriculture Company. The upshot is, not only are genes patentable, but companies may also take legal steps to ensure plants, and presumably other organisms, containing those genes are not grown. Meaning you'd better not save that seed in order to plant later, or you'll be attacked by Monsanto's legions of giant, malevolent squash.
But let's get back, for a moment, to the idea that genes are patentable. I can't wait until that starry, fabulous Jetsons age when babies born with engineered anti-disease genes have a small U.S. patent number tattoo installed in the birthing room. Ain't the future swell?
MOVIE REVIEW- Happily ever... Follow-up is Shrektacular
Original Article
Shrektacular, eh? We have Steve Warren to thank for the above headline, folks. In one sentence, he has set back the beleaguered cause of movie reviewing by at least six months.
The most important things, if you want to be taken seriously as a reviewer, is you watch your praise very carefully, you do not incorporate cutesy little puns in your column, and you *don't* put the movie's title into the pun in such a way that the film's marketing engine can scoop up your fetid little mail drop and convert it into an advertising quote-line.
Reviewers everywhere, heed my call! No matter how many yummy Hawaii junkets you could scarf up for giving those fork-tongued, spade-tailed, cloven hoofed film promoters a sticky catch-line for Torque, please desist! A luau only lasts a few hours, while the stain on your soul may never come out.
TechNewsWorld: Global: Napster Is Back - And This Time It's Legal
Original Article
And this time, it's evil.
Of course Napster's been "back" for a while now. The original popular peer-to-peer music sharing platform, the software that put P2P on the map for most people, has been rejiggered and conflabulated into an iTunes-ish music purchase system without a lick of file sharing to be found. It's only called Napster because Roxio bought the rights to the name. And now, it's available in the U.K.
Congratulations, Brits! You can now pay to hear a selection of studio-approved music, to which all access evaporates once you stop paying. I'm sure there will be dancing in the streets.
Massachusetts Seeks to Halt Some Gay Marriages
Original Article
Nooooo! We have too many gay couples as it is, no more! We have been overwhelmed by the gigantic quantities of sodomy now taking place within our borders! Please stop coming here, as we're already dangerously close to the "gay couple smite-threshold" ominously alluded to in multiple places in the Bible. We figure that even one more legally-sanctioned gay couple could tip the balance! If this tide is not stemmed soon it could very well result in instant and massive divine retrib--
-ZOT!-
IPS: Agriculture: Canada's Top Court Backs Monsanto Against Farmer
Original Article
A plucky farmer committed the heinous act of planting seed resulting from the growing of genetically-modified canola purchased from Monsanto, your friendly neighborhood Humongous Multinational Agriculture Company. The upshot is, not only are genes patentable, but companies may also take legal steps to ensure plants, and presumably other organisms, containing those genes are not grown. Meaning you'd better not save that seed in order to plant later, or you'll be attacked by Monsanto's legions of giant, malevolent squash.
But let's get back, for a moment, to the idea that genes are patentable. I can't wait until that starry, fabulous Jetsons age when babies born with engineered anti-disease genes have a small U.S. patent number tattoo installed in the birthing room. Ain't the future swell?
MOVIE REVIEW- Happily ever... Follow-up is Shrektacular
Original Article
Shrektacular, eh? We have Steve Warren to thank for the above headline, folks. In one sentence, he has set back the beleaguered cause of movie reviewing by at least six months.
The most important things, if you want to be taken seriously as a reviewer, is you watch your praise very carefully, you do not incorporate cutesy little puns in your column, and you *don't* put the movie's title into the pun in such a way that the film's marketing engine can scoop up your fetid little mail drop and convert it into an advertising quote-line.
Reviewers everywhere, heed my call! No matter how many yummy Hawaii junkets you could scarf up for giving those fork-tongued, spade-tailed, cloven hoofed film promoters a sticky catch-line for Torque, please desist! A luau only lasts a few hours, while the stain on your soul may never come out.
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Out, Out Damn Headlines
Bloomberg.com: News & Commentary: U.S.: Texas Executes Mentally Ill Man, Rejects Parole Board, AP Says
Original Article
A mentally-ill man is executed by the State of Texas, the objections of the state parole board ignored by Texas Governor Rick Perry.
I'd hate to be the one to pull the switch. If you had a job as a state executioner, what do you fill out on your resume? Do you go to church and honestly believe the Great White Beard will think it's just peachy that you inject poison into human beings because the Governor says it's okay? How does the act of pulling The Switch wind its way through the plumbing of our legal system in order to avoid those pesky life deprivation laws? I'd imagine you'd need to be awfully sure of your moral standing to do something like that.
Reuters: Soldier Gets Year Jail Term for Iraq Prisoner Abuse
Original Article
I like how skeptical the Iraqis are over this trial. The White House may claim they're not ready for democracy, but I think they're coming along quite nicely -- they're already at least as cynical as my democratic citizen yardstick, jaundiced from having lived in a huge democracy of over 270 million people for over 31 years. Namely, me. Isn't it amazing that they've been out from under Saddam's humongous thumb for just over a year and yet they're already they're showing a canny immunity to propaganda? Wherever could they have picked that up?
The Register: Internet & Law: Online church smites sinners
Original Article
The Register is a tech journal, so it's kind of weird to see talk of religion there. (Unless you're talking about the Church of Emacs, of course.)
Okay, the Methodist Church recently started a 3D "virtual" church. You may have read about it. Their homepage is http://www.shipoffools.com/church/, and anyone can go there.
You can get the full story from the church themselves, here. Before going to that page, take a deep breath, and sit quietly and think to yourself: if you gave a pack of unruly, socially-deficient fourteen-year-old boys adult bodies, made them invulnerable to all harm, then set them loose in a church, what would happen? Believe me, you'll get a lot more laugh value out of the list of things they've forbidden, and the reasons for the forbidding.
As anyone who's spent time on IRC knows, when you allow anyone to enter your little real-time Internet gab solution, pretty soon anyone is just who you get. So now they've been forced to exclude people from services for hitting on women (sometimes obscenely). They've also had to disable the "shout" feature during sermons, for reasons that are probably hilarious. Now, according to the church's site, "Disruptive people can now only be heard by their immediate neighbors, rather than disturbing the whole room." I think it'd be very entertaining to watch one of those services; you'd be able to quickly see who the problem people are by the halo of empty space forming around them.
Supplemental reading: The Original IRC Logs of the Bible
Bloomberg.com: News & Commentary: U.S.: Texas Executes Mentally Ill Man, Rejects Parole Board, AP Says
Original Article
A mentally-ill man is executed by the State of Texas, the objections of the state parole board ignored by Texas Governor Rick Perry.
I'd hate to be the one to pull the switch. If you had a job as a state executioner, what do you fill out on your resume? Do you go to church and honestly believe the Great White Beard will think it's just peachy that you inject poison into human beings because the Governor says it's okay? How does the act of pulling The Switch wind its way through the plumbing of our legal system in order to avoid those pesky life deprivation laws? I'd imagine you'd need to be awfully sure of your moral standing to do something like that.
Reuters: Soldier Gets Year Jail Term for Iraq Prisoner Abuse
Original Article
I like how skeptical the Iraqis are over this trial. The White House may claim they're not ready for democracy, but I think they're coming along quite nicely -- they're already at least as cynical as my democratic citizen yardstick, jaundiced from having lived in a huge democracy of over 270 million people for over 31 years. Namely, me. Isn't it amazing that they've been out from under Saddam's humongous thumb for just over a year and yet they're already they're showing a canny immunity to propaganda? Wherever could they have picked that up?
The Register: Internet & Law: Online church smites sinners
Original Article
The Register is a tech journal, so it's kind of weird to see talk of religion there. (Unless you're talking about the Church of Emacs, of course.)
Okay, the Methodist Church recently started a 3D "virtual" church. You may have read about it. Their homepage is http://www.shipoffools.com/church/, and anyone can go there.
You can get the full story from the church themselves, here. Before going to that page, take a deep breath, and sit quietly and think to yourself: if you gave a pack of unruly, socially-deficient fourteen-year-old boys adult bodies, made them invulnerable to all harm, then set them loose in a church, what would happen? Believe me, you'll get a lot more laugh value out of the list of things they've forbidden, and the reasons for the forbidding.
As anyone who's spent time on IRC knows, when you allow anyone to enter your little real-time Internet gab solution, pretty soon anyone is just who you get. So now they've been forced to exclude people from services for hitting on women (sometimes obscenely). They've also had to disable the "shout" feature during sermons, for reasons that are probably hilarious. Now, according to the church's site, "Disruptive people can now only be heard by their immediate neighbors, rather than disturbing the whole room." I think it'd be very entertaining to watch one of those services; you'd be able to quickly see who the problem people are by the halo of empty space forming around them.
Supplemental reading: The Original IRC Logs of the Bible
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Cool Site: Gmail Swap
Link
Damn it! Makes me wish I hadn't used up my to invites right away! I'd love to swap an invitation for a fairytale (as proposed by one person), or 40 hours of copy editing by an English teacher (though I'd actually probably just give her the invite with my blessings).
I don't think you get additional invitations once your invites are used up. Ah well, at least I know cool people got them.
Link
Damn it! Makes me wish I hadn't used up my to invites right away! I'd love to swap an invitation for a fairytale (as proposed by one person), or 40 hours of copy editing by an English teacher (though I'd actually probably just give her the invite with my blessings).
I don't think you get additional invitations once your invites are used up. Ah well, at least I know cool people got them.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
Headlines of the Lost Ark
One long one and two quickies:
Gay.com: Fox gay reality show courts controversy
Original Article
20th Century Fox, owners of the wackiest ship in the navy, are planning a reality show in which men compete with each other to try to convince people that they're gay. I swear that's the premise of the show, just as I swear that that's really name of the reporting website.
If I was writing this five years ago then I'd probably be ranting right now about stupid reality TV shows. But there's been too much crap under the bridge since then. We've seen "real people" try to "survive" on "deserted islands" by playing stupid little games and conniving against each other in shameful ways. We've seen women compete to marry a non-millionaire. We've had one show try to destroy the relationships of several couples while the producer stood in the corner making little cash-register noises. And what was that show again, in which a beautiful woman was forced to choose between multiple "average joes," then introduced a non-average one at the last second so she could pick him instead... I remember now, it was called WHAT IN HELL WAS THE POINT?! And let's forget recent hits such as Stereotypical Eye for the Male Cultural Norm and Wild Animal Death Match.
Does that sound harsh? I recognize that I might be displaying some amount of anger here, so let me attempt to express my feelings here as reasonably as possible:
If you watch these reality shows with any degree of regularity, I believe it is unavoidable that you are a brain-deficient, kitten-eating slime-blot, with bad skin and too much free time, who drives a carriage drawn by a team of six white SUVs through orphanages, and who also chortles at fart jokes. You'll probably never get into rich-people's heaven, but you might still qualify for regular heaven, where live the servants of all dead rich people.
Hollywood.com: News & Views: Paltrow Has Baby Girl Named Apple
Original Article
These merchandising tie-ins are going too far. But that's nothing, I hear Madonna's next kid's gonna be named Microsoft.
I'd like to present Harris's First Law. What you do is take the number of people in your nation who are sincerely interested in the name of the Gwyneth Paltrow's child by rock star (oy) Chris Martin, or any similar piece of pseudo-news, and put on the top half of the fraction. On the bottom half, put the number of people in your nation who perform real work: building things, designing things, researching, thinking, etc. The resultant figure is the chance that your nation will invade Iraq this decade.
Time: Business/Viewpoint: Why a Dose of Inflation is Good For You
Original Article
I'm sure Jimmy Carter will almost be as thrilled to hear about this as he was to hear high gas prices aren't really so bad at all.
One long one and two quickies:
Gay.com: Fox gay reality show courts controversy
Original Article
20th Century Fox, owners of the wackiest ship in the navy, are planning a reality show in which men compete with each other to try to convince people that they're gay. I swear that's the premise of the show, just as I swear that that's really name of the reporting website.
If I was writing this five years ago then I'd probably be ranting right now about stupid reality TV shows. But there's been too much crap under the bridge since then. We've seen "real people" try to "survive" on "deserted islands" by playing stupid little games and conniving against each other in shameful ways. We've seen women compete to marry a non-millionaire. We've had one show try to destroy the relationships of several couples while the producer stood in the corner making little cash-register noises. And what was that show again, in which a beautiful woman was forced to choose between multiple "average joes," then introduced a non-average one at the last second so she could pick him instead... I remember now, it was called WHAT IN HELL WAS THE POINT?! And let's forget recent hits such as Stereotypical Eye for the Male Cultural Norm and Wild Animal Death Match.
Does that sound harsh? I recognize that I might be displaying some amount of anger here, so let me attempt to express my feelings here as reasonably as possible:
If you watch these reality shows with any degree of regularity, I believe it is unavoidable that you are a brain-deficient, kitten-eating slime-blot, with bad skin and too much free time, who drives a carriage drawn by a team of six white SUVs through orphanages, and who also chortles at fart jokes. You'll probably never get into rich-people's heaven, but you might still qualify for regular heaven, where live the servants of all dead rich people.
Hollywood.com: News & Views: Paltrow Has Baby Girl Named Apple
Original Article
These merchandising tie-ins are going too far. But that's nothing, I hear Madonna's next kid's gonna be named Microsoft.
I'd like to present Harris's First Law. What you do is take the number of people in your nation who are sincerely interested in the name of the Gwyneth Paltrow's child by rock star (oy) Chris Martin, or any similar piece of pseudo-news, and put on the top half of the fraction. On the bottom half, put the number of people in your nation who perform real work: building things, designing things, researching, thinking, etc. The resultant figure is the chance that your nation will invade Iraq this decade.
Time: Business/Viewpoint: Why a Dose of Inflation is Good For You
Original Article
I'm sure Jimmy Carter will almost be as thrilled to hear about this as he was to hear high gas prices aren't really so bad at all.
Saturday, May 15, 2004
The International Prototype Kilogram
Kuro5hin Article
I've always found it kind of fascinating how units of measurement are defined. The kilogram, it seems, is the last SI unit to still be defined by the weight of an actual object -- everything else has been switched over to some physical principle. in some way.
So, the fastest way to lose a lot of weight, so long as you're not in the U.S., is to find some way to destroy that particular platinum-iridium cylinder. Which is probably why they keep it in a vault.
Kuro5hin Article
I've always found it kind of fascinating how units of measurement are defined. The kilogram, it seems, is the last SI unit to still be defined by the weight of an actual object -- everything else has been switched over to some physical principle. in some way.
So, the fastest way to lose a lot of weight, so long as you're not in the U.S., is to find some way to destroy that particular platinum-iridium cylinder. Which is probably why they keep it in a vault.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Headline
Just one this time:
Washington Post: Politics: Federal Page: ACLU Was Forced to Revise Release on Patriot Act Suit
Original Article
Ooooooh Nelly! The FBI demanded, under the aegis of that ever lovin' PATRIOT* Act, that the ACLU take information out of a press release saying what information it was they, the FBI, had demanded! They did this by sending them the PATRIOT Act version of a Cease-'N'-Desist, a "National Security Letter." Dontcha just LOVE that name, folks?
Do you realize this means we have a law that, itself, effectively contains information you're not allowed to know? Just when did life in these Untied Stakes turn into such a great idea for a Monty Python sketch?
And the silliest thing about it all is that the information you're not allowed to disperse is just CENSORED
* PATRIOT is spelled here in allcaps because it's an acronym, like just about every other evil law released these days. That's right, the letters stand for something, namely: "Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism."
The U.S. Congress: For those moments when you just aren't experiencing enough simultaneous laughing and shaking in terror.
Just one this time:
Washington Post: Politics: Federal Page: ACLU Was Forced to Revise Release on Patriot Act Suit
Original Article
Ooooooh Nelly! The FBI demanded, under the aegis of that ever lovin' PATRIOT* Act, that the ACLU take information out of a press release saying what information it was they, the FBI, had demanded! They did this by sending them the PATRIOT Act version of a Cease-'N'-Desist, a "National Security Letter." Dontcha just LOVE that name, folks?
Do you realize this means we have a law that, itself, effectively contains information you're not allowed to know? Just when did life in these Untied Stakes turn into such a great idea for a Monty Python sketch?
And the silliest thing about it all is that the information you're not allowed to disperse is just CENSORED
* PATRIOT is spelled here in allcaps because it's an acronym, like just about every other evil law released these days. That's right, the letters stand for something, namely: "Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism."
The U.S. Congress: For those moments when you just aren't experiencing enough simultaneous laughing and shaking in terror.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Headlines
Herald Sun: Tiara fits princess-in-waiting
Original Article
And then, with a sound like a thousand tinkling bells, the magical Strawberry Fairy flew down on a cart drawn by four sparkle-stallions, and bestowed upon the princess three wishes! Afterwards, a contigent of Gingerbread Guards from Honeylark Lake escorted the girl to the dance, where were gathered all the noblemen and women from all the land, and the handsome prince was waiting for her, and....
Wait, I'll stop! Anyway, Denmark's Mary Donaldson. Princess tomorrow. Silk-brocade gown. Wowed kings and such. I swear to god this information's in the story. Bah.
A previous Herald Sun article apparently says: "She oozes royal class and has clearly transgressed the line from the ordinary to the magically non-ordinary with grace and intelligence."
Ah, royalty worship. I'm American, so I'm honor-bound to remind you that disdain for this uniquely human act is almost genetic for me. I must admit, when Lady/Princess Di bought it, I wouldn't say I was happy, since after all human beings had lost their lives, but no part of me was prepared to mourn to any degree beyond that.
Stories like this, for me they're non-news. But that's probably obvious by now.
One more quote: "We finally got an insight into the person Mary Donaldson. A strong and yet fragile person, a human being who can laugh and cry."
That Mary Donaldson. She's real people. Or she was, before she got to the last rank in this big mobius chessboard and got Promoted. "How wonderful it is for her," we can tell ourselves as we squirt out our Slurpees at 7-11, scribble meaningless numbers on our bland little scraps of paper, and plunge out our commodes when too much base, nutrition-emptied matter has passed through us.
She will see and do things of which most of us can only dream. Because you see, she's rich. Rich people can do, be, and are more than us lowly peasants dare. When you're rich, everyone likes you, newspapers write about you, and people dream about being you just before they wake up, and get on with the long, dreary, necessary business of carrying you on their shoulders.
Well that was darker than I intended! What's next....
Reuters: Net Pirates Show Passion for Mel Gibson Film
Original Article
So is it morally wrong to seek a free copy of a religious film? Shouldn't Mel Gibson simply rest secure in the knowledge that His Message is getting Out? I figure that'd be too much to hope for, despite the conspicuous lack of commandments against Peer-To-Peer in the Bible.
What I find disturbing here is the continuation of the popular propaganda that file sharing is basically equal to piracy. The last paragraph is:
BayTSP said there were an average of 2.9 million daily Kazaa users and 2.2 million daily eDonkey users in April, revealing Internet movie piracy has held steady since the start of the year.
I'm sorry but that's a non-sequitur, seeing as how there are obviously plenty of files to trade that are not pirated, for example, the Paris Hilton video.
Houston Chronicle: Street fight in Dallas suburb started in chat room
Original Article
In a modern-day version of West Side Story, rival gang members exchanged harsh words and set a time for a rumble.
Because on the Internet, no one knows you're tone-deaf.
"It's the first time that we have seen it," said Officer Joe Harn, police spokesman in the Dallas suburb of Garland. "They didn't have to come together to down each other (with profanity). They simply could do it by typing on a computer. Finally, it escalated enough where they decided to get together and fight."
What with the seriositytm of flamewars these days, why has this taken so long to happen? Is it because most chatroom participants have the fighting skills of Joe Besser, Stinky from the old Abbott & Costello show?
"Most gangs, when they do the disrespect thing, it's either face to face or through graffiti," said Steve Nawojczyk, an Arkansas gang researcher who tracks trends on his Web site, www.gangwar.com.
"Do the disrespect thing." That's the clunkiest sentence I've seen in a long time, and I watch lots of action movies. And so another unfortunate template phrase continues its inexorable spread across our culture: "Do the [blank] thing," where [blank] isn't even an adjective. I shudder to think that, a hundred years from now foreign students trying to learn English will have to muddle through a textbook filled with structures like that.
I think our only hope is to move all communication to a spoken version of C. Human communication taking the form of a programming language, of course, is difficult for anything other than the imperative tense, but the way we're going these days, I figure it won't be long before most of our language exists in that form anyway.
Herald Sun: Tiara fits princess-in-waiting
Original Article
And then, with a sound like a thousand tinkling bells, the magical Strawberry Fairy flew down on a cart drawn by four sparkle-stallions, and bestowed upon the princess three wishes! Afterwards, a contigent of Gingerbread Guards from Honeylark Lake escorted the girl to the dance, where were gathered all the noblemen and women from all the land, and the handsome prince was waiting for her, and....
Wait, I'll stop! Anyway, Denmark's Mary Donaldson. Princess tomorrow. Silk-brocade gown. Wowed kings and such. I swear to god this information's in the story. Bah.
A previous Herald Sun article apparently says: "She oozes royal class and has clearly transgressed the line from the ordinary to the magically non-ordinary with grace and intelligence."
Ah, royalty worship. I'm American, so I'm honor-bound to remind you that disdain for this uniquely human act is almost genetic for me. I must admit, when Lady/Princess Di bought it, I wouldn't say I was happy, since after all human beings had lost their lives, but no part of me was prepared to mourn to any degree beyond that.
Stories like this, for me they're non-news. But that's probably obvious by now.
One more quote: "We finally got an insight into the person Mary Donaldson. A strong and yet fragile person, a human being who can laugh and cry."
That Mary Donaldson. She's real people. Or she was, before she got to the last rank in this big mobius chessboard and got Promoted. "How wonderful it is for her," we can tell ourselves as we squirt out our Slurpees at 7-11, scribble meaningless numbers on our bland little scraps of paper, and plunge out our commodes when too much base, nutrition-emptied matter has passed through us.
She will see and do things of which most of us can only dream. Because you see, she's rich. Rich people can do, be, and are more than us lowly peasants dare. When you're rich, everyone likes you, newspapers write about you, and people dream about being you just before they wake up, and get on with the long, dreary, necessary business of carrying you on their shoulders.
Well that was darker than I intended! What's next....
Reuters: Net Pirates Show Passion for Mel Gibson Film
Original Article
So is it morally wrong to seek a free copy of a religious film? Shouldn't Mel Gibson simply rest secure in the knowledge that His Message is getting Out? I figure that'd be too much to hope for, despite the conspicuous lack of commandments against Peer-To-Peer in the Bible.
What I find disturbing here is the continuation of the popular propaganda that file sharing is basically equal to piracy. The last paragraph is:
BayTSP said there were an average of 2.9 million daily Kazaa users and 2.2 million daily eDonkey users in April, revealing Internet movie piracy has held steady since the start of the year.
I'm sorry but that's a non-sequitur, seeing as how there are obviously plenty of files to trade that are not pirated, for example, the Paris Hilton video.
Houston Chronicle: Street fight in Dallas suburb started in chat room
Original Article
In a modern-day version of West Side Story, rival gang members exchanged harsh words and set a time for a rumble.
Because on the Internet, no one knows you're tone-deaf.
"It's the first time that we have seen it," said Officer Joe Harn, police spokesman in the Dallas suburb of Garland. "They didn't have to come together to down each other (with profanity). They simply could do it by typing on a computer. Finally, it escalated enough where they decided to get together and fight."
What with the seriositytm of flamewars these days, why has this taken so long to happen? Is it because most chatroom participants have the fighting skills of Joe Besser, Stinky from the old Abbott & Costello show?
"Most gangs, when they do the disrespect thing, it's either face to face or through graffiti," said Steve Nawojczyk, an Arkansas gang researcher who tracks trends on his Web site, www.gangwar.com.
"Do the disrespect thing." That's the clunkiest sentence I've seen in a long time, and I watch lots of action movies. And so another unfortunate template phrase continues its inexorable spread across our culture: "Do the [blank] thing," where [blank] isn't even an adjective. I shudder to think that, a hundred years from now foreign students trying to learn English will have to muddle through a textbook filled with structures like that.
I think our only hope is to move all communication to a spoken version of C. Human communication taking the form of a programming language, of course, is difficult for anything other than the imperative tense, but the way we're going these days, I figure it won't be long before most of our language exists in that form anyway.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Nintendo at E3
Word from the boyz at N-Sider indicates that Nintendo has some absolutely awesome software coming in the pipe, including:
Ah, but I see that my writing style has devolved into Raving Fanboy. Apologies, everyone.
Word from the boyz at N-Sider indicates that Nintendo has some absolutely awesome software coming in the pipe, including:
- A realistic-looking Zelda! More than realistic-looking, it looks absolutely incredible. Look at the detail on Link's tunic! Not that I didn't love Wind Waker's art style to pieces, mind you, but this should at least satisfy a certain breed of loud, whiny gamer who, sadly, composes way too much of the US video game market.
- The new Namco-produced StarFox looks great, though I didn't notice any space levels. Still, the Rare-produced Star Fox Adventures looked swell, even if it didn't really have gameplay to match, and this game might remedy that stain on the series' history.
- The Picto-Chat application for DS looks very, very cool, and seems to purposely blur the line between game system and PDA-like wireless communications tool.
- A Metroid Prime-style game for DS! No word yet if it's a secret Retro Studios project.
- Animal Crossing DS! With graphics equal to the Gamecube version (which was a simple N64 port anyway)!
- MarioKart DS! Though I consider the N64 version's race mode to be a low-point of the series, this could be real swell. Real.
- Advance Wars for GameCube (aka "Cube Wars"). Advance Wars made turn-based warfare cool again for the US market, and this has the potential to be great. I have a number of friends who simply cannot be dragged off of Advance Wars 2. Collectively, they've probably logged over 1,000 hours into that thing.
- A four-player version of Super Mario 64?! Incredible.
Ah, but I see that my writing style has devolved into Raving Fanboy. Apologies, everyone.
Headlines
Cincinnati Post: Delta is using 'B-word'
Original Story
This just goes to show that context is everything. The implication of this headline depends perilously on what you take the word "Delta" to mean.
Delta Airlines:
Buy-out? Bonus? Boneheaded? Bankruptcy? (That is the actual meaning.)
Delta Burke:
Broadway? Buttocks? Boobies? Bitch?
Not that I intend to imply anything about Delta Burke, mind you. I'm just using her as an example. I could just have easily used the mathematical concept of delta, that is the little triangle that indicates a change in some quality. Except I can't think of any remotely-relevant math B-words.
Which I consider to be a sign that my life is headed in a positive direction. Moving on!
ZDNet UK: New Sasser variant indicates copycat script kiddie
Original Story
Ah, yet another tale of the conqueror worm. (Poe: great writer, but a real drag at dinner parties.) This story concerns a Sasser clone written by a wannabe virus writer, who just took some of the text strings in the original and muddied them a bit. Not particularly newsworthy, of course. Not due to threat-level because only systems that could have been infected by the original can possibly be infected by the newbie. Not due to novelty because all you need is a quick perusal of Slashdot to see that the only field of study more laden with upstart, copycat young aspirants is, possibly, Pokemon Trainer.
Twice now I've referred to hackers, collectively, dismissively, who knows maybe even humorously, as JEDIMASTABOB. My proposed name for hacker-wannabes: sITHlORDsTEVE. Begin using it on my mark- three... two... one... now!
Cincinnati Post: Delta is using 'B-word'
Original Story
This just goes to show that context is everything. The implication of this headline depends perilously on what you take the word "Delta" to mean.
Delta Airlines:
Buy-out? Bonus? Boneheaded? Bankruptcy? (That is the actual meaning.)
Delta Burke:
Broadway? Buttocks? Boobies? Bitch?
Not that I intend to imply anything about Delta Burke, mind you. I'm just using her as an example. I could just have easily used the mathematical concept of delta, that is the little triangle that indicates a change in some quality. Except I can't think of any remotely-relevant math B-words.
Which I consider to be a sign that my life is headed in a positive direction. Moving on!
ZDNet UK: New Sasser variant indicates copycat script kiddie
Original Story
Ah, yet another tale of the conqueror worm. (Poe: great writer, but a real drag at dinner parties.) This story concerns a Sasser clone written by a wannabe virus writer, who just took some of the text strings in the original and muddied them a bit. Not particularly newsworthy, of course. Not due to threat-level because only systems that could have been infected by the original can possibly be infected by the newbie. Not due to novelty because all you need is a quick perusal of Slashdot to see that the only field of study more laden with upstart, copycat young aspirants is, possibly, Pokemon Trainer.
Twice now I've referred to hackers, collectively, dismissively, who knows maybe even humorously, as JEDIMASTABOB. My proposed name for hacker-wannabes: sITHlORDsTEVE. Begin using it on my mark- three... two... one... now!
Alan King Dies
Link
I remember his show on Comedy Central "Inside the Comedy Mind," dating back to when it was "CTV," or maybe even before to the Comedy Channel days. It was an interview show that dealt solely with comedians. Honestly I didn't watch it much, since it was one of the least funny things on the comedy network, but then again it didn't try to be. It was still more interesting than the standup comedy marathons that passed for half of the station's other programming at the time.
Maybe Comedy Central will pull some of those old interviews out of mothballs. I wouldn't mind seeing them again. But I'm pretty sure they won't.
Link
I remember his show on Comedy Central "Inside the Comedy Mind," dating back to when it was "CTV," or maybe even before to the Comedy Channel days. It was an interview show that dealt solely with comedians. Honestly I didn't watch it much, since it was one of the least funny things on the comedy network, but then again it didn't try to be. It was still more interesting than the standup comedy marathons that passed for half of the station's other programming at the time.
Maybe Comedy Central will pull some of those old interviews out of mothballs. I wouldn't mind seeing them again. But I'm pretty sure they won't.
Friday, May 07, 2004
Headline Hating, May 7
United Press International: "Analysis: A very different 'Shock and Awe'"
Original Article
A very toasty article. Reading this brings into sharp relief the problems with the Bust administration's handling of Iraq, and indeed, their handling of everything else from environmental issues to stem cell research.
Because they just don't listen. As Jon Stewart said on Al Franken's Air America program, Bush is sure. That's what the divisive debating of the past several decades have given us, surety. Matters are argued between the two encamped sides, and each seeks to undermine the other in any way possible, because otherwise the other side'll do the same. Against that thinking you must be deadly sure of yourself, because it's war, political war, and pansy-ass things like reasonableness, concession and self-examination have no place in a pitched battle. Will you take a bullet for your country? A stray vote for your party? This is the climate that has produced Bush, but it's produced lots of other politicians as well, many of them in Congress. It's personal conviction above due process. It's the fear of being wrong over the willingness to consider what's right. And, while both sides are guilty, it seems like a disease that afflicts the right more than the left... for now, at least.
Washington Post: Government IT Review: "Electronic Hanging Chads?"
Original Article
NOT THE CHADS AGAIN ARRGH MY BRAIN!
California has decertified one model of voting machine, and ordered modifications to others to be used in upcoming elections. A lot of people seem upset at that. Many California voting officials, at the local and state-level, other states, the "Information Technology Association of America," and the U.S. Election Assistance Commission, not to mention Diebold, makers of the machines in question, and let's not forget an uncounted, anonymous legion of computer hackers, they're all in favor of using the touch-screen voting machines and moving forward into the twenty-first century, and the election, in 2008, of our old friend JEDIMASTABOB, running for the B1FF Par-tay.
Because as we all know, a touch-screen, a colorful interface, snappy fonts, and hundreds of millions of dollars in the pockets of e-voting manufacturers is more important than the accuracy of electoral results.
This article also quotes another article (A quote in a quote, lookit me Mom, I'm postmodern!), from the Washington Post, "Paper Receipts Opposed for Voting Machines," in which Los Angeles election chief Conny McCormack waves a 37-inch long paper recepit in the air, saying, basically, "You expect people to read through this to make sure their votes are counted? What cretins you are!"
That statement is such a winner I figured I'd respond to it individually. First, if the machines don't produce receipts currently, where'd you get that yard-and-an-inch strip of paper you're waving about? Also, what on earth is on it? A voting receipt need not be longer than a list of numbers and vote selections, and some basic, identifying information! I mean come on, a punch card is also a strip of paper with marks on it, with a lot of redundant information to boot - all those unpunched choices! Why a computer printer could not be more representational in a given space than a punch card is beyond me.
Wired News: TechTV to Lay Off 285
Original Article
TechTV, formerly ZDTV, is basically closing up shop in preparation for being acquired and subsumed by Comcast's G4 network, focusing on video and computer games.
I've never seen G4 except from some quick and rather idiotic clips spotted on an X-Box* demo disk. So I went over to their home page, which was actually rather hard to find. For the record, it's http://www.g4tv.com/html/home.asp. Here are my reactions to their web site.
1. Their tag line is "TV 4 Gamers." Oooh, interesting use of IM-speak in the slogan for your multi-million-dollar business. I bet your marketing department told you that was "hip," "trendy," "fashionable," "cool," or maybe even "awesome." Myself, I refer to it as "stupid." Strike one.
2. Now playing: Players #308 - Got to Hal. "In this episode of Players, it's a fragging good time with Fear Factory. Then, Hal Sparks gets Gauntleted, the Lakers' Luke Walton brings his 'A' game for a game of Halo, and Last Comic Standing winner Dat Phan dances the show away." Is this a show about watching other people play video games? I've learned from long, painful experience that most people, especially potential girlfriends, do not particularly enjoy that activity. Still, nice to see Hal Sparks is still finding work.
3. Schedule: Filter #215 - Bad Boys. "Which game character dishes out the most attitude? Why is it good to be bad? And, who's badder... Will Smith or Martin Lawrence? It's time to take a look at some guys that are too cool for school, as we break down gaming's biggest bad boys, on this week's episode of Filter." Woah now, Will SMITH and Martin LAWRENCE! GOOD to be BAD? Too COOL for SCHOOL? Hold on a moment, let me set my Tivo, there's no WAY I could bring myself to MISS such an OBVIOUS example of QUALITY television. I'm SURE this would be SO interesting to watch FIRST-HAND, if I only didn't have so much LAUNDRY to do, FINGERNAILS to clip and NOSE-HAIR to pluck. Why don't I just GLUE my EYELIDS open, turn it to G4 then smash my remote with a HAMMER to ensure that I don't MISS even a MOMENT of this GOLDEN VISAGE.... Gasp, that's enough heavy sarcasm, I had no idea it took that much out of you. I'm parched.
4. Schedule: Electric Playground #1203 (really?) - Another World. "The worlds of science fiction and fantasy collide with psychic powers, transforming robots, serious shooters, and superheroes!" That's just what I need, a psychic shooting super-robot set in Piers Anthony's Adept novels.
Wait a second, no it isn't! This sounds exactly like a hundred thousand ill-advised webcomics!
5. 2:00 to 4:00 A.M.: Paid Programming. Ah, it's nice to see that there's something here paying the bills. I figure it's only a matter of time that the accountants, looking over what's profitable on the network, make the decision to switch to the All-Infomercial programming model.
I'd watch it! But then, you probably already have your suspicions about me.
* Note: X-Box is not the proper spelling for Microsoft's video game console. The proper way to write X-Box is "XBox," without a dash. Always be sure to spell X-Box as "XBox." Never spell it as "X-Box." Failure to properly refer to Microsoft's game system in the way that Microsoft's trademark department specifies will naturally identify you as uneducated, dim-witted and cretinous. You wouldn't want that, now would you? Please reader, always make sure to write X-Box the proper way.
United Press International: "Analysis: A very different 'Shock and Awe'"
Original Article
A very toasty article. Reading this brings into sharp relief the problems with the Bust administration's handling of Iraq, and indeed, their handling of everything else from environmental issues to stem cell research.
Because they just don't listen. As Jon Stewart said on Al Franken's Air America program, Bush is sure. That's what the divisive debating of the past several decades have given us, surety. Matters are argued between the two encamped sides, and each seeks to undermine the other in any way possible, because otherwise the other side'll do the same. Against that thinking you must be deadly sure of yourself, because it's war, political war, and pansy-ass things like reasonableness, concession and self-examination have no place in a pitched battle. Will you take a bullet for your country? A stray vote for your party? This is the climate that has produced Bush, but it's produced lots of other politicians as well, many of them in Congress. It's personal conviction above due process. It's the fear of being wrong over the willingness to consider what's right. And, while both sides are guilty, it seems like a disease that afflicts the right more than the left... for now, at least.
Washington Post: Government IT Review: "Electronic Hanging Chads?"
Original Article
NOT THE CHADS AGAIN ARRGH MY BRAIN!
California has decertified one model of voting machine, and ordered modifications to others to be used in upcoming elections. A lot of people seem upset at that. Many California voting officials, at the local and state-level, other states, the "Information Technology Association of America," and the U.S. Election Assistance Commission, not to mention Diebold, makers of the machines in question, and let's not forget an uncounted, anonymous legion of computer hackers, they're all in favor of using the touch-screen voting machines and moving forward into the twenty-first century, and the election, in 2008, of our old friend JEDIMASTABOB, running for the B1FF Par-tay.
Because as we all know, a touch-screen, a colorful interface, snappy fonts, and hundreds of millions of dollars in the pockets of e-voting manufacturers is more important than the accuracy of electoral results.
This article also quotes another article (A quote in a quote, lookit me Mom, I'm postmodern!), from the Washington Post, "Paper Receipts Opposed for Voting Machines," in which Los Angeles election chief Conny McCormack waves a 37-inch long paper recepit in the air, saying, basically, "You expect people to read through this to make sure their votes are counted? What cretins you are!"
That statement is such a winner I figured I'd respond to it individually. First, if the machines don't produce receipts currently, where'd you get that yard-and-an-inch strip of paper you're waving about? Also, what on earth is on it? A voting receipt need not be longer than a list of numbers and vote selections, and some basic, identifying information! I mean come on, a punch card is also a strip of paper with marks on it, with a lot of redundant information to boot - all those unpunched choices! Why a computer printer could not be more representational in a given space than a punch card is beyond me.
Wired News: TechTV to Lay Off 285
Original Article
TechTV, formerly ZDTV, is basically closing up shop in preparation for being acquired and subsumed by Comcast's G4 network, focusing on video and computer games.
I've never seen G4 except from some quick and rather idiotic clips spotted on an X-Box* demo disk. So I went over to their home page, which was actually rather hard to find. For the record, it's http://www.g4tv.com/html/home.asp. Here are my reactions to their web site.
1. Their tag line is "TV 4 Gamers." Oooh, interesting use of IM-speak in the slogan for your multi-million-dollar business. I bet your marketing department told you that was "hip," "trendy," "fashionable," "cool," or maybe even "awesome." Myself, I refer to it as "stupid." Strike one.
2. Now playing: Players #308 - Got to Hal. "In this episode of Players, it's a fragging good time with Fear Factory. Then, Hal Sparks gets Gauntleted, the Lakers' Luke Walton brings his 'A' game for a game of Halo, and Last Comic Standing winner Dat Phan dances the show away." Is this a show about watching other people play video games? I've learned from long, painful experience that most people, especially potential girlfriends, do not particularly enjoy that activity. Still, nice to see Hal Sparks is still finding work.
3. Schedule: Filter #215 - Bad Boys. "Which game character dishes out the most attitude? Why is it good to be bad? And, who's badder... Will Smith or Martin Lawrence? It's time to take a look at some guys that are too cool for school, as we break down gaming's biggest bad boys, on this week's episode of Filter." Woah now, Will SMITH and Martin LAWRENCE! GOOD to be BAD? Too COOL for SCHOOL? Hold on a moment, let me set my Tivo, there's no WAY I could bring myself to MISS such an OBVIOUS example of QUALITY television. I'm SURE this would be SO interesting to watch FIRST-HAND, if I only didn't have so much LAUNDRY to do, FINGERNAILS to clip and NOSE-HAIR to pluck. Why don't I just GLUE my EYELIDS open, turn it to G4 then smash my remote with a HAMMER to ensure that I don't MISS even a MOMENT of this GOLDEN VISAGE.... Gasp, that's enough heavy sarcasm, I had no idea it took that much out of you. I'm parched.
4. Schedule: Electric Playground #1203 (really?) - Another World. "The worlds of science fiction and fantasy collide with psychic powers, transforming robots, serious shooters, and superheroes!" That's just what I need, a psychic shooting super-robot set in Piers Anthony's Adept novels.
Wait a second, no it isn't! This sounds exactly like a hundred thousand ill-advised webcomics!
5. 2:00 to 4:00 A.M.: Paid Programming. Ah, it's nice to see that there's something here paying the bills. I figure it's only a matter of time that the accountants, looking over what's profitable on the network, make the decision to switch to the All-Infomercial programming model.
I'd watch it! But then, you probably already have your suspicions about me.
* Note: X-Box is not the proper spelling for Microsoft's video game console. The proper way to write X-Box is "XBox," without a dash. Always be sure to spell X-Box as "XBox." Never spell it as "X-Box." Failure to properly refer to Microsoft's game system in the way that Microsoft's trademark department specifies will naturally identify you as uneducated, dim-witted and cretinous. You wouldn't want that, now would you? Please reader, always make sure to write X-Box the proper way.
Thursday, May 06, 2004
Mmm-mmm good, that's what Headlines soup is, May 6
Comedians on the political campaign
Original Article
LENO (Mod +0, Trite)
Ah, Leno. I like him, I've always liked him. I don't think he's funny anymore, but he's likable! That's all you really need these days, isn't it?
Okay, I do like the Flordia line. And okay, the Nader line. But overall I think his jokes could stand a few more words. I mean, I appreciate the need for a punchy line much as much the next guy (who happens to think way too much about jokes), but political jokes, they can take a little meat. You just can't say that much in less than thirty words.
Then, I think that gets to the crux of the problem right there. He's not up there to say things, he's up there to get laughs. Unfortunately, he'd be getting more laughs if he were saying things.
KILBORN (Mod -1, Lightweight)
Only one political joke?! Craig, Craig, Craig. I never thought I'd see the day when I said the Daily Show is better off without you. You've got style, wit, a killer delivery, but really, you don't seem to say much. The Daily Show switching to Jon Stewart seemed like such a mistake at first, but now it seems like providence. Oh well, maybe he (or his writers) just had a bad day.
STEWART (Mod +1, Insightful)
Not afraid to go around the block to make a joke, but that works for him. There's an understatement there as well, I can just imagine his delivery of the "industrial park made out of twenties" line. The best thing on Comedy Central, and, strangely for a show that professes indifference to actual news, rather good commentary.
What to do about the Sasser Worm
Original Article
A T.V. news site, hmm. Eh, what the hell.
The truth of the matter is, despite what this story implies, if you're infected by many worms you won't notice anything different. It's against a worm's best interests to let on to the user that they're installed, since the sooner the user finds out the sooner the nest gets tossed out, and their authors know this. Random pop-ups usually come from spyware, which almost always rides along with installed, unethical freeware, though open source software is usually safe.
Interesting the play-up that Windows is flawed, it's strange to hear that revelation from a news broadcast website, and even stranger since they give what are presented as Microsoft's recommendations as to firewalls to avoid the problem. But oops, the first firewall listed is BlackICE, which is itself victim of a worm targeted specifically against it! Note that all the firewalls listed are either for-pay or trial versions, not even mentioning the free-beer version of ZoneAlarm (the Pro version is the one linked to from the article). And I guess Microsoft forgot that their own software, Windows XP, has had a built-in firewall, ICF, that only needs to be enabled....
Cable Critics Blast 'Gore TV'
Original Article
I think this could be pretty cool, if the flood of miffed cable heavies in the room at the announcement even let him on the air. PBS for the MTV generation is exactly what I'd watch, though maybe with a little less MTV. And I think people are worrying too much that it not be political- the truth is, with Fox News broadcasting every goddamn hour of every goddamn day, it'd take the McLenin-Castro Newshour to balance-out the cable news teeter-totter.
FTC testimony highlights file-sharing dangers
Original Article
What's the FTC concerned about? It's not what you're thinking!
Nothing to do with pirating any of the hundreds of things that can be pirated, the FTC is worried kids might get access to inappropriate material over file-sharing networks, including and most especially things that are mislabeled. Oh for the love of strawberry-flavored Howard Phillips Christ!
You can say all same things about the World Wide Web, and-- no, wait. I didn't say that. Er, the Web is nothing at all like that, and should certainly not be censored, pruned, crippled, fastened, folded, stapled, spindled, mutilated or denuded of any interest factor so that six year old kids won't see breasts! Honest and truly and just all over patriotism and star-spangled goodness and glee! Please?
Thousands of other people have already pointed out the folly of trying to protect the public from themselves. You'd think the people doing things like this, seriously wringing their hands that kids might find porn on Kazaa, would listen to them, but they aren't. I'm reasonably certain they won't listen to me either, so why don't I save my breath?
But you know, I can't help but think that should the Democrats win on November, that all these strange and unflimbert policies and drives on the behalf of various fragments of the Executive Branch will suddenly wither and fall away. Anyone care to place a bet?
(Definition of "Unflimbert," a word I just made up: would be hilarious if it weren't so dangerously wrong-headed.)
Comedians on the political campaign
Original Article
LENO (Mod +0, Trite)
Ah, Leno. I like him, I've always liked him. I don't think he's funny anymore, but he's likable! That's all you really need these days, isn't it?
Okay, I do like the Flordia line. And okay, the Nader line. But overall I think his jokes could stand a few more words. I mean, I appreciate the need for a punchy line much as much the next guy (who happens to think way too much about jokes), but political jokes, they can take a little meat. You just can't say that much in less than thirty words.
Then, I think that gets to the crux of the problem right there. He's not up there to say things, he's up there to get laughs. Unfortunately, he'd be getting more laughs if he were saying things.
KILBORN (Mod -1, Lightweight)
Only one political joke?! Craig, Craig, Craig. I never thought I'd see the day when I said the Daily Show is better off without you. You've got style, wit, a killer delivery, but really, you don't seem to say much. The Daily Show switching to Jon Stewart seemed like such a mistake at first, but now it seems like providence. Oh well, maybe he (or his writers) just had a bad day.
STEWART (Mod +1, Insightful)
Not afraid to go around the block to make a joke, but that works for him. There's an understatement there as well, I can just imagine his delivery of the "industrial park made out of twenties" line. The best thing on Comedy Central, and, strangely for a show that professes indifference to actual news, rather good commentary.
What to do about the Sasser Worm
Original Article
A T.V. news site, hmm. Eh, what the hell.
The truth of the matter is, despite what this story implies, if you're infected by many worms you won't notice anything different. It's against a worm's best interests to let on to the user that they're installed, since the sooner the user finds out the sooner the nest gets tossed out, and their authors know this. Random pop-ups usually come from spyware, which almost always rides along with installed, unethical freeware, though open source software is usually safe.
Interesting the play-up that Windows is flawed, it's strange to hear that revelation from a news broadcast website, and even stranger since they give what are presented as Microsoft's recommendations as to firewalls to avoid the problem. But oops, the first firewall listed is BlackICE, which is itself victim of a worm targeted specifically against it! Note that all the firewalls listed are either for-pay or trial versions, not even mentioning the free-beer version of ZoneAlarm (the Pro version is the one linked to from the article). And I guess Microsoft forgot that their own software, Windows XP, has had a built-in firewall, ICF, that only needs to be enabled....
Cable Critics Blast 'Gore TV'
Original Article
I think this could be pretty cool, if the flood of miffed cable heavies in the room at the announcement even let him on the air. PBS for the MTV generation is exactly what I'd watch, though maybe with a little less MTV. And I think people are worrying too much that it not be political- the truth is, with Fox News broadcasting every goddamn hour of every goddamn day, it'd take the McLenin-Castro Newshour to balance-out the cable news teeter-totter.
FTC testimony highlights file-sharing dangers
Original Article
What's the FTC concerned about? It's not what you're thinking!
Nothing to do with pirating any of the hundreds of things that can be pirated, the FTC is worried kids might get access to inappropriate material over file-sharing networks, including and most especially things that are mislabeled. Oh for the love of strawberry-flavored Howard Phillips Christ!
You can say all same things about the World Wide Web, and-- no, wait. I didn't say that. Er, the Web is nothing at all like that, and should certainly not be censored, pruned, crippled, fastened, folded, stapled, spindled, mutilated or denuded of any interest factor so that six year old kids won't see breasts! Honest and truly and just all over patriotism and star-spangled goodness and glee! Please?
Thousands of other people have already pointed out the folly of trying to protect the public from themselves. You'd think the people doing things like this, seriously wringing their hands that kids might find porn on Kazaa, would listen to them, but they aren't. I'm reasonably certain they won't listen to me either, so why don't I save my breath?
But you know, I can't help but think that should the Democrats win on November, that all these strange and unflimbert policies and drives on the behalf of various fragments of the Executive Branch will suddenly wither and fall away. Anyone care to place a bet?
(Definition of "Unflimbert," a word I just made up: would be hilarious if it weren't so dangerously wrong-headed.)
Memories of Christian Renewal Academy, or, My Water-Wings For Use in a Sea of Crap
Originally posted on Plastic. This took me so long to write that I figured I'd try to get a little more use out of it.
This was written in as a comment to a story entitled Good Riddance, Or Good Lord! Southern Baptists May Pull Kids Out Of Public Schools, and discusses my experience attending a similar type of depressingly theological educational institution (Wow, eighteen syllables in four words!) as those Baptist kids may be attending.
I attended a Christian high school, Christian Renewal Academy, back in my home town of Brunswick, Georgia. Allow me to explain what it was like, though keep in mind that not all Christian private schools are like this.
The curriculum were these workbooks called "PACEs," sprinkled through with obnoxious Christian cartoon characters, all dressed eternally in formal churchwear, the boy characters even with ties. Ace (pronounced "Aee-cee,") was the all-American star achiever, the emulation goal for students. I don't remember all the characters' names (it's been over a decade), but I do remember "Happy," blond, with a buzz-cut and buck teeth, who was occasionally depicted in the included comic stories as kind of dim. And I remember the "unsaved" characters, one male and one female, who were invariably drawn as a little ragged, with messed-up hair instead of the plastic pre-fab hair-styles, and who did nebulously-defined "drugs." These characters persisted in the books from first grade all the way up through twelfth, being drawn to match the age of the reader in each grade. But they all that that same hyper-clean, uniform-width drawing style, like all the characters in all their poses were taken from a big clip-art book, and the dialogue, in addition to being incredibly inane (there is nothing on this Earth as sad as Christian humor) was written in the most boring, plain sans-serif font you can imagine. Like someone had found a way to extract whatever little personality there is to be found in Helvetica.
We sat in little wooden desk-like structures called "offices," though now I know the proper word is "cubicle." They were long structures, seating three students each, with wooden partitions between the desk portion of the seats, giving the students a small amount of privacy. The backs to the desks were open to the room, however. Each desk had a little chart pinned to the back (which was a cork board) with the student's name on it and a big grid, marked out by week and month, on which stars were stuck whenever a workbook was completed. The books were designed to be completed at the student's own pace. They were even called PACEs, you see. The idea was that students who were smart enough to work through them quickly would finish them early, and get more accomplished. I have to say that it was not a system well-suited to my own work habits, as it took me an extra year to finish there. I just wasn't that motivated.
Some more description of those offices. Each contained a little schedule we were supposed to fill out with our own idea of the day's events, that often went unused. They also contained two flags, an American one and a "Christian" one, which was white with a blue field at about the place it is on the American flag, but instead of stars a red cross. A student would put one of these up on top of their desks to indicate to the "supervisors," the adults in the room, that they either wanted to visit the restroom (Christian flag) or wanted to check work at the check tables (American flag). The check tables were where we students went to check the answers we had entered into the PACEs in the answer keys. After marking them right or wrong, we'd return to our desks and, if we had gotten 80% correct, continue to the next section. If not, we'd have to correct answers until we got it right. The books were not particularly well-written, so I remember having to correct some areas multiple times.
When a book was completed, we'd turn it in to the supervisor, and get the test for that book, and after taking it we'd check it in the answer key. Passing it (getting 80% or greater correct) meant proceeding to the next book, failure meant taking it again. You can guess that this system was rife with opportunity for abuse, and most students cheated profusely. I was not one of those kids, though I kind of wish I was now.
Every morning was led off with a prayer session, a reading from the Bible and a talk from the supervisor. The Bible reading went through a chapter of Psalms or Proverbs a day. Now these are not books of the Bible that are always up-front with their meaning, or so after the reading we had a session of "interpretation" provided by the supervisor. Sometimes this interpretation had to go through great lengths. This was one of the things that caught in my rather unruly, intellectually, brain: if the Bible is supposed to be the literal truth, in all ways,then why is interpretation even needed? And some of the things which were ignored because they were "obviously" didn't mean what they appeared to be saying made me wonder, since the Bible comes down to us over thousands of years, and many things that were obvious then are not now, and vice versa. Now I see that was one of the best experiences I could have possibly gotten, though I suspect not in the way the school intended.
Our supervisors came and went roughly once a year, and I can remember five supervisors we had in our classroom:
Art Girard was the first, and best of them all, a man who had come to Christ because of personal tragedy, the sudden deafness of his daughter Stephanie, who I never met (she was home schooled). A genuine Christian, not one of those people you might see who claim religion but art no better than your average homo-sapiens or worse, he was a Good Soul. Eventually he moved to California. I sent him a letter, and received a very nice reply that I wish I still had, but at that time I was rather uncaring about reminders, a trait I now rue almost daily. If all, or even many, Christians were like Art Girard then I'm sure we would not be in Iraq right now.
Doug Watson was pretty good as well, but I'm not sure what happened to him. He became principal, then left. Mr. Williams and Mr. Lewis both had military backgrounds. Lewis has a daughter who attended the school, an awkward, glasses-wearing young woman, rumor had it with a mental imbalance, who was ruthlessly picked on by the other students. There were some good kids there, but this is only slightly urban Georgia we're talking about here, and a lot of the kids were not, shall we say, particularly kind-hearted individuals. One day when we came in after lunch, I was rather startled by an outburst from Mr. Lewis, who suddenly began shouting at the class in general -- apparently something had happened to her, and he shouted down the entire class because of it. Anyway, Mr. Lewis wasn't around after that day. The final supervisor was Joni Cruise, who was okay.
Most of the subjects taught were given in the form of those PACEs, but two that weren't were Geometry and Algebra, which was taught by another Mr. Williams, not the retired army guy mentioned before but an architect. Williams was a great guy, perhaps not in Mr. Girard's league but soft-spoken, and very sharp. His courses were the only classwork in that school that actually caught the attention of my scattered brain, and I did very well in them, especially Geometry. There was something about doing proofs that appealed to me, and I managed to solve a couple of problems in that class of great difficulty. It was an interest that was to evaporate in college, where I didn't get to take anything like Geometry at all, and when I hit Calculus eventually I fell off the Math wagon altogether, although my lack of a good calculator (which were starting to become expected by the textbooks) may have played a pivotal role in that. A couple of years ago I visited the old school for a few minutes over the Summer and found out Mr. Williams is now the principal, and they've since abandoned PACEs and moved to a more traditional classroom setting. However, it must be said that he attempted to make sure I was still Christian. I'm sure it was from his own concern for what he consider my well-being, but I can't help but say that it hurt my opinion of him, a little -- back in Geometry and Algebra classes, he had barely mentioned Jesus.
One day, in Christian Renewal, Mrs. Cruise addressed the class. She talked about falling behind, about the need to keep up. She mentioned making sure to stay on track with the PACEs, and not to end up having to take an extra year to finish. She said that it might not seem like a big deal now, but that it would put us a year behind, and the loss would ripple forward through our lives, and haunt us to the end of our days. As I write this, I'm 31 and just finishing up my B.A. English, so I guess she was talking to me.
But so far at least, I recognize now that most of what that high school taught was bunk. Despite the Christian background, a Christian family and extended family, and the Christian school there, I consider myself atheist now, or at least agnostic. The great tracts of evolutionary propaganda, for that's it was, the positing of fringe scientists as somehow leading great armies of renegade, right-thinking thinkers, the subverting of the scientific method by adding a God-clause, those vaguely Orwellian cartoon characters, all this in the PACEs, and all the Bible-reading and interpretation in the school, eventually I escaped these things, despite not knowing enough to not believe them, then.
In summary, there is no mistake of upbringing that cannot be undone with enough critical thought and a good Internet connection later in life. What matters is the will to examine what you've been told, to determine for yourself honestly if it's what it presents itself as being, and to put into perspective the people and culture who are the sources of your own knowledge.
Unfortunately, I doubt most of the children who would be affected by a Baptist pullout will end up with those advantages.
Originally posted on Plastic. This took me so long to write that I figured I'd try to get a little more use out of it.
This was written in as a comment to a story entitled Good Riddance, Or Good Lord! Southern Baptists May Pull Kids Out Of Public Schools, and discusses my experience attending a similar type of depressingly theological educational institution (Wow, eighteen syllables in four words!) as those Baptist kids may be attending.
I attended a Christian high school, Christian Renewal Academy, back in my home town of Brunswick, Georgia. Allow me to explain what it was like, though keep in mind that not all Christian private schools are like this.
The curriculum were these workbooks called "PACEs," sprinkled through with obnoxious Christian cartoon characters, all dressed eternally in formal churchwear, the boy characters even with ties. Ace (pronounced "Aee-cee,") was the all-American star achiever, the emulation goal for students. I don't remember all the characters' names (it's been over a decade), but I do remember "Happy," blond, with a buzz-cut and buck teeth, who was occasionally depicted in the included comic stories as kind of dim. And I remember the "unsaved" characters, one male and one female, who were invariably drawn as a little ragged, with messed-up hair instead of the plastic pre-fab hair-styles, and who did nebulously-defined "drugs." These characters persisted in the books from first grade all the way up through twelfth, being drawn to match the age of the reader in each grade. But they all that that same hyper-clean, uniform-width drawing style, like all the characters in all their poses were taken from a big clip-art book, and the dialogue, in addition to being incredibly inane (there is nothing on this Earth as sad as Christian humor) was written in the most boring, plain sans-serif font you can imagine. Like someone had found a way to extract whatever little personality there is to be found in Helvetica.
We sat in little wooden desk-like structures called "offices," though now I know the proper word is "cubicle." They were long structures, seating three students each, with wooden partitions between the desk portion of the seats, giving the students a small amount of privacy. The backs to the desks were open to the room, however. Each desk had a little chart pinned to the back (which was a cork board) with the student's name on it and a big grid, marked out by week and month, on which stars were stuck whenever a workbook was completed. The books were designed to be completed at the student's own pace. They were even called PACEs, you see. The idea was that students who were smart enough to work through them quickly would finish them early, and get more accomplished. I have to say that it was not a system well-suited to my own work habits, as it took me an extra year to finish there. I just wasn't that motivated.
Some more description of those offices. Each contained a little schedule we were supposed to fill out with our own idea of the day's events, that often went unused. They also contained two flags, an American one and a "Christian" one, which was white with a blue field at about the place it is on the American flag, but instead of stars a red cross. A student would put one of these up on top of their desks to indicate to the "supervisors," the adults in the room, that they either wanted to visit the restroom (Christian flag) or wanted to check work at the check tables (American flag). The check tables were where we students went to check the answers we had entered into the PACEs in the answer keys. After marking them right or wrong, we'd return to our desks and, if we had gotten 80% correct, continue to the next section. If not, we'd have to correct answers until we got it right. The books were not particularly well-written, so I remember having to correct some areas multiple times.
When a book was completed, we'd turn it in to the supervisor, and get the test for that book, and after taking it we'd check it in the answer key. Passing it (getting 80% or greater correct) meant proceeding to the next book, failure meant taking it again. You can guess that this system was rife with opportunity for abuse, and most students cheated profusely. I was not one of those kids, though I kind of wish I was now.
Every morning was led off with a prayer session, a reading from the Bible and a talk from the supervisor. The Bible reading went through a chapter of Psalms or Proverbs a day. Now these are not books of the Bible that are always up-front with their meaning, or so after the reading we had a session of "interpretation" provided by the supervisor. Sometimes this interpretation had to go through great lengths. This was one of the things that caught in my rather unruly, intellectually, brain: if the Bible is supposed to be the literal truth, in all ways,then why is interpretation even needed? And some of the things which were ignored because they were "obviously" didn't mean what they appeared to be saying made me wonder, since the Bible comes down to us over thousands of years, and many things that were obvious then are not now, and vice versa. Now I see that was one of the best experiences I could have possibly gotten, though I suspect not in the way the school intended.
Our supervisors came and went roughly once a year, and I can remember five supervisors we had in our classroom:
Art Girard was the first, and best of them all, a man who had come to Christ because of personal tragedy, the sudden deafness of his daughter Stephanie, who I never met (she was home schooled). A genuine Christian, not one of those people you might see who claim religion but art no better than your average homo-sapiens or worse, he was a Good Soul. Eventually he moved to California. I sent him a letter, and received a very nice reply that I wish I still had, but at that time I was rather uncaring about reminders, a trait I now rue almost daily. If all, or even many, Christians were like Art Girard then I'm sure we would not be in Iraq right now.
Doug Watson was pretty good as well, but I'm not sure what happened to him. He became principal, then left. Mr. Williams and Mr. Lewis both had military backgrounds. Lewis has a daughter who attended the school, an awkward, glasses-wearing young woman, rumor had it with a mental imbalance, who was ruthlessly picked on by the other students. There were some good kids there, but this is only slightly urban Georgia we're talking about here, and a lot of the kids were not, shall we say, particularly kind-hearted individuals. One day when we came in after lunch, I was rather startled by an outburst from Mr. Lewis, who suddenly began shouting at the class in general -- apparently something had happened to her, and he shouted down the entire class because of it. Anyway, Mr. Lewis wasn't around after that day. The final supervisor was Joni Cruise, who was okay.
Most of the subjects taught were given in the form of those PACEs, but two that weren't were Geometry and Algebra, which was taught by another Mr. Williams, not the retired army guy mentioned before but an architect. Williams was a great guy, perhaps not in Mr. Girard's league but soft-spoken, and very sharp. His courses were the only classwork in that school that actually caught the attention of my scattered brain, and I did very well in them, especially Geometry. There was something about doing proofs that appealed to me, and I managed to solve a couple of problems in that class of great difficulty. It was an interest that was to evaporate in college, where I didn't get to take anything like Geometry at all, and when I hit Calculus eventually I fell off the Math wagon altogether, although my lack of a good calculator (which were starting to become expected by the textbooks) may have played a pivotal role in that. A couple of years ago I visited the old school for a few minutes over the Summer and found out Mr. Williams is now the principal, and they've since abandoned PACEs and moved to a more traditional classroom setting. However, it must be said that he attempted to make sure I was still Christian. I'm sure it was from his own concern for what he consider my well-being, but I can't help but say that it hurt my opinion of him, a little -- back in Geometry and Algebra classes, he had barely mentioned Jesus.
One day, in Christian Renewal, Mrs. Cruise addressed the class. She talked about falling behind, about the need to keep up. She mentioned making sure to stay on track with the PACEs, and not to end up having to take an extra year to finish. She said that it might not seem like a big deal now, but that it would put us a year behind, and the loss would ripple forward through our lives, and haunt us to the end of our days. As I write this, I'm 31 and just finishing up my B.A. English, so I guess she was talking to me.
But so far at least, I recognize now that most of what that high school taught was bunk. Despite the Christian background, a Christian family and extended family, and the Christian school there, I consider myself atheist now, or at least agnostic. The great tracts of evolutionary propaganda, for that's it was, the positing of fringe scientists as somehow leading great armies of renegade, right-thinking thinkers, the subverting of the scientific method by adding a God-clause, those vaguely Orwellian cartoon characters, all this in the PACEs, and all the Bible-reading and interpretation in the school, eventually I escaped these things, despite not knowing enough to not believe them, then.
In summary, there is no mistake of upbringing that cannot be undone with enough critical thought and a good Internet connection later in life. What matters is the will to examine what you've been told, to determine for yourself honestly if it's what it presents itself as being, and to put into perspective the people and culture who are the sources of your own knowledge.
Unfortunately, I doubt most of the children who would be affected by a Baptist pullout will end up with those advantages.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Dear Diary
Well, today two people who are of equal rank on my personal "best friends" roster, and had been married for over ten years, officially seperated. Worse is that the male half of the relationship has depended on the female half for practically everything, and yet is basically the initiator here, claiming a need to succeed on his own, and that she's going through a hard time due to the breakup. Bad is that he's thrown ten years away, worse is that I'm unsure either will find anyone better anytime soon.
Of course, it's possible either will be able to recover and successfully resume dating. I tend to be pessimistic about these situations because of my own impoverished social life. I am what you might call "work minded," in that I'd much rather spend my time writing, or brainstorming, or cooking up some crazy game design, thanhanging out in bars (which is just about the only avenue for singles in this microscopic college town). Unfortunately, I can't say that this obsessive focus on output has improved my employment prospects either.
Sorry for the lack of funny this time. There needs to be some way to separate these ruminations into a different page. Maybe with multiple blogs, hmm.
Well, today two people who are of equal rank on my personal "best friends" roster, and had been married for over ten years, officially seperated. Worse is that the male half of the relationship has depended on the female half for practically everything, and yet is basically the initiator here, claiming a need to succeed on his own, and that she's going through a hard time due to the breakup. Bad is that he's thrown ten years away, worse is that I'm unsure either will find anyone better anytime soon.
Of course, it's possible either will be able to recover and successfully resume dating. I tend to be pessimistic about these situations because of my own impoverished social life. I am what you might call "work minded," in that I'd much rather spend my time writing, or brainstorming, or cooking up some crazy game design, thanhanging out in bars (which is just about the only avenue for singles in this microscopic college town). Unfortunately, I can't say that this obsessive focus on output has improved my employment prospects either.
Sorry for the lack of funny this time. There needs to be some way to separate these ruminations into a different page. Maybe with multiple blogs, hmm.
Headlines, May 5
New York Times on the Trail: "On The Road"
Original Article
A visit by the president kicks up a lot of dust. When confronted with the tremendous ruckus of helicopters, armament and SUVs passing by, one woman "who was mowing her lawn ran indoors, leaving the lawn mower idling in her yard," thus winning a special place in my heart, and the hearts of all timid people who cringe at rock concerts, find a blank wall to stare at when a megaphone or loud person is aimed at them, and generally feel helpless and hopeless when confronted with any loud, obnoxious hullabaloo.
It's also interesting to note that there's still someone in this country that can still afford to drive an SUV.
Mr. Bush's aides made no secret of their joy that he was using the sardonic tone about John Kerry that until now has been reserved for Vice President Dick Cheney to use.
It's no trick to adopt a sardonic tone. I think I myself have proven any wiseacre with a website can do it just dandy.
And it worked: The president's most rousing reception was in Cincinnati, where 16,500 people jammed into the Cincinnati Garden (it cost the campaign only $19,000 to rent it for the night, a bargain in their view) and cheered every jab at Mr. Kerry.
Take note Kerry: the cost to rouse a person in Cincinnati is slightly more than a buck fifteen. Of course that assumes that you rouse in bulk, and already have available sufficient rousing capital, such as speakers, aides, podiums (podia?), weapon-studded bodyguards and gigantic American flags (sold by the Patton Gigantic American Flag company of Beijing, China).
"The other side hasn't offered much in the way of strategy to win the war," Mr. Bush said. The large and enthusiastic crowd shouted back "Four More Years."
There is a difficulty in responding to this statement: it's too easy. A phantom Kerry could respond to it by saying "Who got us into this war in the first place," or "I intend to get us out of Iraq, not keep us there," or "If this is a war what nation are we fighting, and please don't insult me by saying 'terrorists,'" or "Just what was that big 'Mission Accomplished' banner for exactly," or even "Go to hell." I myself have a particular fondness for that last one. But they're all kind of lame when used against Bush, because it's impossible to debate someone who's unwilling to even listen to a word you say. He is a master of the non sequitur. In some circles that's called conviction, in a diminishing number of others, psychosis. Homestar Runner would make a better president.
He took a few tame questions at an "Ask the President" event that was filled with a largely invited audience. He used the moment to cast Mr. Kerry as a huge spender, without ever mentioning the large government deficits run up over the last three years.
See? But enough of that, there's gotta be something other than politics in Newsmap today....
Google under closer privacy scrutiny post-IPO
Original Article
You can bet a spooky "Look out, Google's gonna getcha!" article that quotes Daniel Brandt, a.k.a. the Google-Watch guy, will have a high kook-factor, even if it's printed in Forbes. But don't take my word kook-factor-wise, go to www.google-watch.org and see for yourself. (An even more enlightening site could be www.google-watch-watch.org.)
But that's not particularly funny, is it? And for that, I sincerely apologize.
New York Times on the Trail: "On The Road"
Original Article
A visit by the president kicks up a lot of dust. When confronted with the tremendous ruckus of helicopters, armament and SUVs passing by, one woman "who was mowing her lawn ran indoors, leaving the lawn mower idling in her yard," thus winning a special place in my heart, and the hearts of all timid people who cringe at rock concerts, find a blank wall to stare at when a megaphone or loud person is aimed at them, and generally feel helpless and hopeless when confronted with any loud, obnoxious hullabaloo.
It's also interesting to note that there's still someone in this country that can still afford to drive an SUV.
Mr. Bush's aides made no secret of their joy that he was using the sardonic tone about John Kerry that until now has been reserved for Vice President Dick Cheney to use.
It's no trick to adopt a sardonic tone. I think I myself have proven any wiseacre with a website can do it just dandy.
And it worked: The president's most rousing reception was in Cincinnati, where 16,500 people jammed into the Cincinnati Garden (it cost the campaign only $19,000 to rent it for the night, a bargain in their view) and cheered every jab at Mr. Kerry.
Take note Kerry: the cost to rouse a person in Cincinnati is slightly more than a buck fifteen. Of course that assumes that you rouse in bulk, and already have available sufficient rousing capital, such as speakers, aides, podiums (podia?), weapon-studded bodyguards and gigantic American flags (sold by the Patton Gigantic American Flag company of Beijing, China).
"The other side hasn't offered much in the way of strategy to win the war," Mr. Bush said. The large and enthusiastic crowd shouted back "Four More Years."
There is a difficulty in responding to this statement: it's too easy. A phantom Kerry could respond to it by saying "Who got us into this war in the first place," or "I intend to get us out of Iraq, not keep us there," or "If this is a war what nation are we fighting, and please don't insult me by saying 'terrorists,'" or "Just what was that big 'Mission Accomplished' banner for exactly," or even "Go to hell." I myself have a particular fondness for that last one. But they're all kind of lame when used against Bush, because it's impossible to debate someone who's unwilling to even listen to a word you say. He is a master of the non sequitur. In some circles that's called conviction, in a diminishing number of others, psychosis. Homestar Runner would make a better president.
He took a few tame questions at an "Ask the President" event that was filled with a largely invited audience. He used the moment to cast Mr. Kerry as a huge spender, without ever mentioning the large government deficits run up over the last three years.
See? But enough of that, there's gotta be something other than politics in Newsmap today....
Google under closer privacy scrutiny post-IPO
Original Article
You can bet a spooky "Look out, Google's gonna getcha!" article that quotes Daniel Brandt, a.k.a. the Google-Watch guy, will have a high kook-factor, even if it's printed in Forbes. But don't take my word kook-factor-wise, go to www.google-watch.org and see for yourself. (An even more enlightening site could be www.google-watch-watch.org.)
But that's not particularly funny, is it? And for that, I sincerely apologize.
Disney stomping on Michael Moore's movie Fahrenheit 911
Found on BoingBoing. New York Times link
This is the most infuriating thing I've heard in months! Moore's previous Bowling for Columbine was critically acclaimed, did very well for a documentary, and is one of my favorite political movies. Disney claiming they don't want to distrubute Moore's movies because their controversial... come now, controversy is pretty much Moore's stock-in-trade. Did they think he'd make them a cartoon? This is the man who brought us Roger & Me!
Disney has a lot of explaining to do.
Found on BoingBoing. New York Times link
This is the most infuriating thing I've heard in months! Moore's previous Bowling for Columbine was critically acclaimed, did very well for a documentary, and is one of my favorite political movies. Disney claiming they don't want to distrubute Moore's movies because their controversial... come now, controversy is pretty much Moore's stock-in-trade. Did they think he'd make them a cartoon? This is the man who brought us Roger & Me!
Disney has a lot of explaining to do.
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Headline Hammering, May 4
Bush Hammers Kerry, Promises Better Days for Ohio
http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=domesticNews&storyID=5037024
Interesting use of an action verb in political headline, Reuters!
The story's about a press conference in which Bush criticizes Kerry about a half-dozen things that have nothing to do with Iraq. Bush complained about Kerry's SUV the day before, and now makes fun of Kerry for claiming that foreign leaders supported him, which I consider very plausible, for not mentioning who they are. Number of people converted into Bush voters: zero thousand, zero hundred, and zeroty-zero.
Microsoft Responds To Sasser Worm Threat
http://www.crn.com/sections/BreakingNews/dailyarchives.asp?ArticleID=49922
Oh god, is there another worm swirling around the Internet brainwashing Microsoft software? They get their teensy brains sucked out at the drop of a hat. They're the Patty Hearsts of the computing world! The other day I went to the school to look up classes and the Windows machine I was on suddenly displayed "YeS mAsTeR, hOw MaY i SeRvE yOu?" Really freaked me out, though I can't say my bank account is complaining.
I can't help but think Microsoft's days are numbered. OpenOffice is now almost as good as Microsoft Office, better in some ways (because you see, the thing that pops up and offers un-asked for advice isn't animated), and free. Mozilla, also free, has many cool features Internet Explorer lacks, like that amazing technological innovation called not displaying fifteen pop-ups advertising porn, with the added benefit of not losing its mind when a website entones the magic formula "ActiveX." Word processing and web browsing, right there you have the primary uses of 90% of all computers, and both Macs and Linux does them at least as well as Windows PCs containing MS Office. It's true that I myself still run Windows (so I'll be running home shortly before my credit card numbers get sent off to a guy calling himself JEDIMASTABOB), but I'm a special case. You know, because I'm special.
Will Windows Power the Living Room?
http://www.pcworld.com/news/article/0,aid,115977,00.asp
Oh-ho! Another segment of our lives for JEDIMASTABOB to piddle on! Imagine never being able to get your television off of a big, pulsating picture of the goats.cx guy! And everything must be a PC: your DVD player, VCR, stereo, T.V., dog. Your remote control will have a Pentium in it and mysteriously be unable to enter channel 12!
Hey wait, it does: "Also, it does not need a mouse or keyboard; all access is through an intelligent remote control that features a color screen, fingerprint reader, microphone, and speaker..."
It comes with an ever-lovin' fingerprint reader! I guess to make sure no one is watching (minor chord) UNAUTHORIZED TELEVISION. "I'm sorry, this program is not available to citizens of your security clearance." Great for checking up on the current security alert color on the Ashcroft Network.
A microphone! Why, all the better to badly recognize your voice and send you to the Playboy Channel when the kids get home from school, my dear.
A speaker! All the better for the microphone to pick it up, and the sound goes through and through like tigers, until your eardrums turn into butter my dear. Because feedback's a bitch.
And of course a remote control is a device just crying out for a speaker and a color screen. You can watch T.V. on it, and then you'll need to get a little remote for the big one and tie it to your wrist, so you won't have to lift your hand three inches to get to the big remote, or lift it, or risk dropping it and breaking the hundred bucks of circuitry inside it!
This article is full of fun stuff. Here's more:
"The improvements in Windows combined with new hardware will enable devices that we will be happy to put in our living room," Sullivan says. They forgot to add "in a monotone, his eyes glazed and showing little Windows logos."
Media Center PCs allow users to use a remote control to provide access via TV to photos, video, and music stored on their PC, as well as selected Internet services such as movie downloads. Ah, in order to "enable" a hard drive crash to destroy even more of your life. And who selects these services? I imagine a man in a business suit, poorly-drawn in the Dilbert style, named something like "Mordak the Selector."
Through the fingerprint reader on the remote, the Home Center PC will automatically show an individual user's favorite TV shows and computer games. "Let's find out what Jimmy is watching down here at two a.m. ... OH MY GOD!" And if the computer games mentioned are anything like the ones Microsoft publishes for the XBox then I'll pass, thank you.
Microsoft has a grand vision for the Windows Home Concept. I note with sadness the cheapening of the word "grand." A new entertainment center is not grand. An Army of the Republic, now that's grand.
The screen on the remote will let users to (sic) select shows to record, even while the PC is doing something else. So if you're watching a show for an hour on Channel 4, but there are also shows on Channels 3 and 10 you can't bear to miss, you can catch them all and spend your whole evening in a happy, phosphorescent haze.
Aside from the Home Center PC, the Windows Home Concept also includes a Home Tablet PC that will come with a docking station and can synchronize with the Home Center PC. And we all know how well Tablet PCs have gone over!
"The Home Tablet PC is a more compelling scenario," Sullivan says. "Soon you will have no choice. Rejoice in the coming age! Ia, Ia, Cthulhu ftagn!"
Enough, I am drained! More news later, I need a drink.
Bush Hammers Kerry, Promises Better Days for Ohio
http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=domesticNews&storyID=5037024
Interesting use of an action verb in political headline, Reuters!
The story's about a press conference in which Bush criticizes Kerry about a half-dozen things that have nothing to do with Iraq. Bush complained about Kerry's SUV the day before, and now makes fun of Kerry for claiming that foreign leaders supported him, which I consider very plausible, for not mentioning who they are. Number of people converted into Bush voters: zero thousand, zero hundred, and zeroty-zero.
Microsoft Responds To Sasser Worm Threat
http://www.crn.com/sections/BreakingNews/dailyarchives.asp?ArticleID=49922
Oh god, is there another worm swirling around the Internet brainwashing Microsoft software? They get their teensy brains sucked out at the drop of a hat. They're the Patty Hearsts of the computing world! The other day I went to the school to look up classes and the Windows machine I was on suddenly displayed "YeS mAsTeR, hOw MaY i SeRvE yOu?" Really freaked me out, though I can't say my bank account is complaining.
I can't help but think Microsoft's days are numbered. OpenOffice is now almost as good as Microsoft Office, better in some ways (because you see, the thing that pops up and offers un-asked for advice isn't animated), and free. Mozilla, also free, has many cool features Internet Explorer lacks, like that amazing technological innovation called not displaying fifteen pop-ups advertising porn, with the added benefit of not losing its mind when a website entones the magic formula "ActiveX." Word processing and web browsing, right there you have the primary uses of 90% of all computers, and both Macs and Linux does them at least as well as Windows PCs containing MS Office. It's true that I myself still run Windows (so I'll be running home shortly before my credit card numbers get sent off to a guy calling himself JEDIMASTABOB), but I'm a special case. You know, because I'm special.
Will Windows Power the Living Room?
http://www.pcworld.com/news/article/0,aid,115977,00.asp
Oh-ho! Another segment of our lives for JEDIMASTABOB to piddle on! Imagine never being able to get your television off of a big, pulsating picture of the goats.cx guy! And everything must be a PC: your DVD player, VCR, stereo, T.V., dog. Your remote control will have a Pentium in it and mysteriously be unable to enter channel 12!
Hey wait, it does: "Also, it does not need a mouse or keyboard; all access is through an intelligent remote control that features a color screen, fingerprint reader, microphone, and speaker..."
It comes with an ever-lovin' fingerprint reader! I guess to make sure no one is watching (minor chord) UNAUTHORIZED TELEVISION. "I'm sorry, this program is not available to citizens of your security clearance." Great for checking up on the current security alert color on the Ashcroft Network.
A microphone! Why, all the better to badly recognize your voice and send you to the Playboy Channel when the kids get home from school, my dear.
A speaker! All the better for the microphone to pick it up, and the sound goes through and through like tigers, until your eardrums turn into butter my dear. Because feedback's a bitch.
And of course a remote control is a device just crying out for a speaker and a color screen. You can watch T.V. on it, and then you'll need to get a little remote for the big one and tie it to your wrist, so you won't have to lift your hand three inches to get to the big remote, or lift it, or risk dropping it and breaking the hundred bucks of circuitry inside it!
This article is full of fun stuff. Here's more:
"The improvements in Windows combined with new hardware will enable devices that we will be happy to put in our living room," Sullivan says. They forgot to add "in a monotone, his eyes glazed and showing little Windows logos."
Media Center PCs allow users to use a remote control to provide access via TV to photos, video, and music stored on their PC, as well as selected Internet services such as movie downloads. Ah, in order to "enable" a hard drive crash to destroy even more of your life. And who selects these services? I imagine a man in a business suit, poorly-drawn in the Dilbert style, named something like "Mordak the Selector."
Through the fingerprint reader on the remote, the Home Center PC will automatically show an individual user's favorite TV shows and computer games. "Let's find out what Jimmy is watching down here at two a.m. ... OH MY GOD!" And if the computer games mentioned are anything like the ones Microsoft publishes for the XBox then I'll pass, thank you.
Microsoft has a grand vision for the Windows Home Concept. I note with sadness the cheapening of the word "grand." A new entertainment center is not grand. An Army of the Republic, now that's grand.
The screen on the remote will let users to (sic) select shows to record, even while the PC is doing something else. So if you're watching a show for an hour on Channel 4, but there are also shows on Channels 3 and 10 you can't bear to miss, you can catch them all and spend your whole evening in a happy, phosphorescent haze.
Aside from the Home Center PC, the Windows Home Concept also includes a Home Tablet PC that will come with a docking station and can synchronize with the Home Center PC. And we all know how well Tablet PCs have gone over!
"The Home Tablet PC is a more compelling scenario," Sullivan says. "Soon you will have no choice. Rejoice in the coming age! Ia, Ia, Cthulhu ftagn!"
Enough, I am drained! More news later, I need a drink.
Monday, May 03, 2004
News Sniping, May 3
Nude Beach Sparks Barge Flip
http://www.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,4057,9462199%255E1702,00.html
Reported by Australian news site News.com.au, from an Associated Press wire, describing an event that happened in Texas (a.k.a. "Little Australia"). Just so you know, this sordid tale of ogling sightseers tumping their float has circumnavigated the globe on its way to your own sticky eyeballs. To those twin tyrants Amerigo Vespucci and serious journalism I say, take that!
New Okla. City federal building dedicated
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/apus_story.asp?category=1110&slug=New%20Federal%20Building
Unstated in the headline was that it was our very own kitty-tormented Attorney General himself, John Ashcroft, doing the dedicating. In his speech he said, "This gathering, this building, this city are clear evidence of the kind of spirit in America showing that men and women allowed to breath the bracing air of freedom will always come together to defeat tyranny and hatred."
Meanwhile on the other side of the world, the nation of Iraq detached from planet Earth and began its long, inevitable drift towards the billion-degree surface of the Sun.
California nixes e-voting
http://www.fcw.com/fcw/articles/2004/0503/web-evote-05-03-04.asp
E-voting! What a quaint and charming coinage! I know I'd never be able to decide whether to cast my ballot for Dr. Ben Oguejiofor of Nigeria or his honored opponent SUP3R V!AGRA NOW!!
Anyway, in case you're not up to speed on this, automatic teller vendor Diebold is in serious trouble these days for selling massively insecure electronic voting machines to the state of California, who it must be said seem to have enough problems with their legitimate votes these days.
Not long ago Slashdot had a link to a blog with pictures of one of Diebold's ATMs going down on the campus of Carnegie Mellon University, revealing it contained a copy of Windows XP, complete with Windows Media Player. Hoo boy! Can't make this stuff up folks. (Scroll a little down the page for the pictures.)
Nude Beach Sparks Barge Flip
http://www.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,4057,9462199%255E1702,00.html
Reported by Australian news site News.com.au, from an Associated Press wire, describing an event that happened in Texas (a.k.a. "Little Australia"). Just so you know, this sordid tale of ogling sightseers tumping their float has circumnavigated the globe on its way to your own sticky eyeballs. To those twin tyrants Amerigo Vespucci and serious journalism I say, take that!
New Okla. City federal building dedicated
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/apus_story.asp?category=1110&slug=New%20Federal%20Building
Unstated in the headline was that it was our very own kitty-tormented Attorney General himself, John Ashcroft, doing the dedicating. In his speech he said, "This gathering, this building, this city are clear evidence of the kind of spirit in America showing that men and women allowed to breath the bracing air of freedom will always come together to defeat tyranny and hatred."
Meanwhile on the other side of the world, the nation of Iraq detached from planet Earth and began its long, inevitable drift towards the billion-degree surface of the Sun.
California nixes e-voting
http://www.fcw.com/fcw/articles/2004/0503/web-evote-05-03-04.asp
E-voting! What a quaint and charming coinage! I know I'd never be able to decide whether to cast my ballot for Dr. Ben Oguejiofor of Nigeria or his honored opponent SUP3R V!AGRA NOW!!
Anyway, in case you're not up to speed on this, automatic teller vendor Diebold is in serious trouble these days for selling massively insecure electronic voting machines to the state of California, who it must be said seem to have enough problems with their legitimate votes these days.
Not long ago Slashdot had a link to a blog with pictures of one of Diebold's ATMs going down on the campus of Carnegie Mellon University, revealing it contained a copy of Windows XP, complete with Windows Media Player. Hoo boy! Can't make this stuff up folks. (Scroll a little down the page for the pictures.)
Sunday, May 02, 2004
GMail Impressions, Wannabes
I've been using GMail for about two weeks now. I got into the beta program because of this blog right here, right here that I'm writing on, now, and then I logged into Blogger and lo, there was the invite link. Apparently, you have to have been a Blogger user for a while (apparently I started my account over a year ago, though it doesn't feel like it), and have updated semi-regularly (which I have not, really, but I got in anyway). It's probably the first of those two reasons that's excluded poor bruce from the beta.
So far, I've found GMail to be really, really cool. The Javascript niceties, conversation grouping, and the fact that I haven't gotten a single spam message (except for a misidentified one from Yahoo) since starting the beta, make it almost fun to use GMail. I think they're on to something here, and they'll probably get a flood of new users once they go public.
One problem I've not seen anyone mention so far -- GMail doesn't allow you to send or receive Windows executable attachments. I seem to recall getting around this by zipping one, but Google's support staff says that that won't work. Interesting that Google has imperiously determined that users don't need to send executables. I don't know if this is to halt the spread of viruses and worms or an anti-piracy measure.
I've actually barely seen any of the ads Google's supposely adding to my messages. I've seen a few unpaid suggested links (which are a cool idea), but not even those show up for every message.
But a disturbing thing has started happening. I just got a second person mailing me-- well, perhaps I should let Robert speak for himself:
I saw your e-mail on a slashdot discussion regarding Gmail (http://slashdot.org/articles/04/04/25/1438250.shtml?tid=126&tid=95), and I have been doing a bit of research on it. I am very intrigued by Gmail and its technology, and I would be honored to get a Gmail account. You probably get these e-mails often, seeing as though not too many people have gmail accounts, but I wonder if perhaps you could send me an invite to Gmail? My name is Robert, I am 14 years old, and I am in the midst of starting a web hosting business.
I hope you will consider me as a candidate to send an invite to, I would appreciate it beyond words.
Thank you for your consideration John, have a nice day.
I would be very, very happy to get an invite fr
The cut-off tail is presented exactly as from the message.
Um. A startlingly well-spoken 14-year-old thinking about starting a web-hosting business? Even so, I wouldn't have thought that much about this except this is the second supposed early-teen to ask me for a Gmail invite. He has an e-mail address with a worksofmagic.com domain, but going to www.worksofmagic.com brings up a PHP error.
Years of being spammed to and decades of being advertised at have given me almost preternatural crap-detection powers, and my crappy-sense is a-tinglin'. That, and this just seems too weird for words. Look, kid, if kid you be, Gmail's cool, but it'll probably be public before too long. Just be patient, okay?
If you're not a kid, which I consider likely, what motive do you have for trying to con me into giving you an invite? Are you planning on running experiments with their spam filter? Going to start looking for ways to subvert their system for the sending of spam itself?
In both cases, forget it. I don't even have any invites left. So if you're really a kid, sorry, and if you're not, nyaah to you.
I've been using GMail for about two weeks now. I got into the beta program because of this blog right here, right here that I'm writing on, now, and then I logged into Blogger and lo, there was the invite link. Apparently, you have to have been a Blogger user for a while (apparently I started my account over a year ago, though it doesn't feel like it), and have updated semi-regularly (which I have not, really, but I got in anyway). It's probably the first of those two reasons that's excluded poor bruce from the beta.
So far, I've found GMail to be really, really cool. The Javascript niceties, conversation grouping, and the fact that I haven't gotten a single spam message (except for a misidentified one from Yahoo) since starting the beta, make it almost fun to use GMail. I think they're on to something here, and they'll probably get a flood of new users once they go public.
One problem I've not seen anyone mention so far -- GMail doesn't allow you to send or receive Windows executable attachments. I seem to recall getting around this by zipping one, but Google's support staff says that that won't work. Interesting that Google has imperiously determined that users don't need to send executables. I don't know if this is to halt the spread of viruses and worms or an anti-piracy measure.
I've actually barely seen any of the ads Google's supposely adding to my messages. I've seen a few unpaid suggested links (which are a cool idea), but not even those show up for every message.
But a disturbing thing has started happening. I just got a second person mailing me-- well, perhaps I should let Robert speak for himself:
I saw your e-mail on a slashdot discussion regarding Gmail (http://slashdot.org/articles/04/04/25/1438250.shtml?tid=126&tid=95), and I have been doing a bit of research on it. I am very intrigued by Gmail and its technology, and I would be honored to get a Gmail account. You probably get these e-mails often, seeing as though not too many people have gmail accounts, but I wonder if perhaps you could send me an invite to Gmail? My name is Robert, I am 14 years old, and I am in the midst of starting a web hosting business.
I hope you will consider me as a candidate to send an invite to, I would appreciate it beyond words.
Thank you for your consideration John, have a nice day.
I would be very, very happy to get an invite fr
The cut-off tail is presented exactly as from the message.
Um. A startlingly well-spoken 14-year-old thinking about starting a web-hosting business? Even so, I wouldn't have thought that much about this except this is the second supposed early-teen to ask me for a Gmail invite. He has an e-mail address with a worksofmagic.com domain, but going to www.worksofmagic.com brings up a PHP error.
Years of being spammed to and decades of being advertised at have given me almost preternatural crap-detection powers, and my crappy-sense is a-tinglin'. That, and this just seems too weird for words. Look, kid, if kid you be, Gmail's cool, but it'll probably be public before too long. Just be patient, okay?
If you're not a kid, which I consider likely, what motive do you have for trying to con me into giving you an invite? Are you planning on running experiments with their spam filter? Going to start looking for ways to subvert their system for the sending of spam itself?
In both cases, forget it. I don't even have any invites left. So if you're really a kid, sorry, and if you're not, nyaah to you.
Saturday, May 01, 2004
More news: May 1
I had so much fun writing my little piddle-pieces on the headlines I scavanged off of Newsmap, which are in turn scavanged off of Google News, and they turned out so well, that I may end up doing it regularly.
So let's go, three more headlines!
1. Recording Industry Sues Music Pirates
http://www.informationweek.com/story/showArticle.jhtml?articleID=19400047
So, what would be the logical inverse of this headline? "Recording Industry Doesn't Sue Music Pirates." I think that would be much more newsworthy, and almost less frequent these days. But in a way, despite being against the RIAA's tactics, I sort of want to wish them godspeed. Because remember, every song you download illegally is one less song you could be downloading legally from any of the thousands of unknown, independent artists who would be more than happy to give their music to you.
Supplemental reading: An Open Letter From Metallica, a classic piece from the Brunching Shuttlecocks.
2. Yesha to post babies at polls
http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=JPost/JPArticle/ShowFull&cid=1083404949342
I saw this one in Newsmap, which only posts headlines, and thought: - the hell?!
Ah, but the title on actual article is really "Settlers to post children outside Likud polls." It turns out to be voting on a referrendum on those Israeli settlers on the Gaza strip, you know, the ones you hear about on the radio moments before your eyes glaze over.
Ah, but I'm kidding. But it's true that I'm not really up on whatever's going on in Israel at the moment. I heard on NPR that the Israeli government has been quietly promoting settlement there, I'm guessing specifically so when toss-out day came there would be sad-eyed families and crying babies to post at vote huts. That strikes me as rather cynical, but compare that to Bush's retcon realignment of his Mission Accomplished speech. Cynical public manipulation ploys are basically what politics is these days, seems to me.
Speaking of which:
3. Bush marks anniversary of 'end of combat' speech
http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/05/01/bush.radio/
"President Bush Saturday marked the one-year anniversary of his rousing speech that declared an end to major combat in Iraq, saying that life is better for Iraqis 'despite serious and continuing fatalities.'" OOPS I'M SO SORRY, that last word should be "challenges," my bad.
Wait, someone at CNN thinks Bush's speech was "rousing?" When has Bush ever given a rousing speech? I didn't think he was capable of it. Maybe I should hunt up a recording of that thing, listen to it and see if I get roused. Though I should warn you I don't swing that way....
Another quote: "Bush contends that 'these groups have found little support among the Iraqi people.'" At least they got the verb right that time: contends.
While I call myself liberal these days, during those silent, honest moments in bed at night before drifting off I admit I'm actually moderate. But there are plenty of conservative candidates who would have made for much better presidents than Bush. That's why I am, and you should, be voting !Bush in 2004. (You pronounce it "Not-Bush.")
Vote !Bush in 2004! Because let's face it, wouldn't even Fidel Castro be a better choice?
I had so much fun writing my little piddle-pieces on the headlines I scavanged off of Newsmap, which are in turn scavanged off of Google News, and they turned out so well, that I may end up doing it regularly.
So let's go, three more headlines!
1. Recording Industry Sues Music Pirates
http://www.informationweek.com/story/showArticle.jhtml?articleID=19400047
So, what would be the logical inverse of this headline? "Recording Industry Doesn't Sue Music Pirates." I think that would be much more newsworthy, and almost less frequent these days. But in a way, despite being against the RIAA's tactics, I sort of want to wish them godspeed. Because remember, every song you download illegally is one less song you could be downloading legally from any of the thousands of unknown, independent artists who would be more than happy to give their music to you.
Supplemental reading: An Open Letter From Metallica, a classic piece from the Brunching Shuttlecocks.
2. Yesha to post babies at polls
http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=JPost/JPArticle/ShowFull&cid=1083404949342
I saw this one in Newsmap, which only posts headlines, and thought: - the hell?!
Ah, but the title on actual article is really "Settlers to post children outside Likud polls." It turns out to be voting on a referrendum on those Israeli settlers on the Gaza strip, you know, the ones you hear about on the radio moments before your eyes glaze over.
Ah, but I'm kidding. But it's true that I'm not really up on whatever's going on in Israel at the moment. I heard on NPR that the Israeli government has been quietly promoting settlement there, I'm guessing specifically so when toss-out day came there would be sad-eyed families and crying babies to post at vote huts. That strikes me as rather cynical, but compare that to Bush's retcon realignment of his Mission Accomplished speech. Cynical public manipulation ploys are basically what politics is these days, seems to me.
Speaking of which:
3. Bush marks anniversary of 'end of combat' speech
http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/05/01/bush.radio/
"President Bush Saturday marked the one-year anniversary of his rousing speech that declared an end to major combat in Iraq, saying that life is better for Iraqis 'despite serious and continuing fatalities.'" OOPS I'M SO SORRY, that last word should be "challenges," my bad.
Wait, someone at CNN thinks Bush's speech was "rousing?" When has Bush ever given a rousing speech? I didn't think he was capable of it. Maybe I should hunt up a recording of that thing, listen to it and see if I get roused. Though I should warn you I don't swing that way....
Another quote: "Bush contends that 'these groups have found little support among the Iraqi people.'" At least they got the verb right that time: contends.
While I call myself liberal these days, during those silent, honest moments in bed at night before drifting off I admit I'm actually moderate. But there are plenty of conservative candidates who would have made for much better presidents than Bush. That's why I am, and you should, be voting !Bush in 2004. (You pronounce it "Not-Bush.")
Vote !Bush in 2004! Because let's face it, wouldn't even Fidel Castro be a better choice?
