Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Movies: Around the World in 80 Days
Written for the George-Anne, campus newspaper of Georgia Southern University. (Web site hopelessly out-of-date.)
There is a book you may have heard of, called "Around The World in 80 Days," or in the original French, "Le Tour du monde en quatre-vingts jours." It is by science fiction genius Jules Verne, and is a story much beloved by me. Yet you'd be forgiven for wondering whatever the hell this movie version has to do with the book, besides theme, similarly-named characters and a brief reference to the book's ending gimmick. Like with 2002's “The Time Machine,” almost nothing of interested has survived the trip through the Hollywood production meat-grinder, and all we have left is ground chuck.
You must understand that I do not believe it is the job of movies to get the books exactly right. I love the Lord of the Rings movies, despite the fact that almost 5% of the material from the books is different than Tolkien wrote, and maybe up to a quarter was left out. Peter Jackson still got much of the spirit of what Tolkien put on the page, and that's much harder than just filming the literal events of the book. Just ask Ralph Bakshi.
But book-based movies do have a duty in that, if they carry the same name, they must represent the original story in spirit. This movie “Around The World In 80 Days,” unquestionably, does not. Phineas Fogg is one of the most redoubtable figures in all literature, a Victorian Englishman so amazingly precise and regular that he fired his previous valet for giving him shaving water two degrees cooler than his custom. He has been changed into a garden-variety “wacky inventor.”
Passportout and Inspector Fix undergo similarly wrong-headed transformations. Fix in particular is quite loathsome, played by some spastic, vaguely human rodent-creature, a poor-man's Jerry Lewis, who mugs and flops and hurts himself in scenes of excruciating slapstick. I can't see how anyone could believe this man is a police inspector for Scotland Yard; he is barely verbal.
The plot has also been bleached away of its essential core, turning its tale of great period adventure into a saddening exercise in watching Jackie Chan smack people. The original story barely mentions China but half the movie takes place there, all to give the film a tortured rationale for casting Chan as Passportout, in a lame-duck subplot that exists solely so the film can have comic-book villains.
It is true that there are wonderful sights in this movie, computer rendered cityscapes of color and light that would be stunning if viewed in an animated feature. But, here, they're wasted as a dumber version of the country introductions from "Eurotrip." There are some slightly amusing sight-gags for people who know the era from the book, but the people who'd appreciate them will be too busy groaning at the idiot plot. It can't be questioned that Jackie Chan's famously self-performed stunts are astounding. But, this isn't a chop-socky martial arts movie. They are out of place anywhere near Verne's work.
There is a little game you can play with movies like this. Realizing that there must have been some reason for each deviance from the original story, you can try to figure them out. For “The Time Machine,” it was the desire to turn H.G. Wells' novel of social satire into an action movie.
For "Around The World in 80 Days," I can only conclude it's because the people who made it are creatures of darkness and hate, who daily excrete stinking film from their demonic colons, and have used their infernal powers to divine a means of getting paid for it. By no means should you see this movie. If your girlfriend wants to see it, break up with her. If your kids want to see it, disown them. If President Bush comes to your home and demands that you see it, emigrate.
Written for the George-Anne, campus newspaper of Georgia Southern University. (Web site hopelessly out-of-date.)
There is a book you may have heard of, called "Around The World in 80 Days," or in the original French, "Le Tour du monde en quatre-vingts jours." It is by science fiction genius Jules Verne, and is a story much beloved by me. Yet you'd be forgiven for wondering whatever the hell this movie version has to do with the book, besides theme, similarly-named characters and a brief reference to the book's ending gimmick. Like with 2002's “The Time Machine,” almost nothing of interested has survived the trip through the Hollywood production meat-grinder, and all we have left is ground chuck.
You must understand that I do not believe it is the job of movies to get the books exactly right. I love the Lord of the Rings movies, despite the fact that almost 5% of the material from the books is different than Tolkien wrote, and maybe up to a quarter was left out. Peter Jackson still got much of the spirit of what Tolkien put on the page, and that's much harder than just filming the literal events of the book. Just ask Ralph Bakshi.
But book-based movies do have a duty in that, if they carry the same name, they must represent the original story in spirit. This movie “Around The World In 80 Days,” unquestionably, does not. Phineas Fogg is one of the most redoubtable figures in all literature, a Victorian Englishman so amazingly precise and regular that he fired his previous valet for giving him shaving water two degrees cooler than his custom. He has been changed into a garden-variety “wacky inventor.”
Passportout and Inspector Fix undergo similarly wrong-headed transformations. Fix in particular is quite loathsome, played by some spastic, vaguely human rodent-creature, a poor-man's Jerry Lewis, who mugs and flops and hurts himself in scenes of excruciating slapstick. I can't see how anyone could believe this man is a police inspector for Scotland Yard; he is barely verbal.
The plot has also been bleached away of its essential core, turning its tale of great period adventure into a saddening exercise in watching Jackie Chan smack people. The original story barely mentions China but half the movie takes place there, all to give the film a tortured rationale for casting Chan as Passportout, in a lame-duck subplot that exists solely so the film can have comic-book villains.
It is true that there are wonderful sights in this movie, computer rendered cityscapes of color and light that would be stunning if viewed in an animated feature. But, here, they're wasted as a dumber version of the country introductions from "Eurotrip." There are some slightly amusing sight-gags for people who know the era from the book, but the people who'd appreciate them will be too busy groaning at the idiot plot. It can't be questioned that Jackie Chan's famously self-performed stunts are astounding. But, this isn't a chop-socky martial arts movie. They are out of place anywhere near Verne's work.
There is a little game you can play with movies like this. Realizing that there must have been some reason for each deviance from the original story, you can try to figure them out. For “The Time Machine,” it was the desire to turn H.G. Wells' novel of social satire into an action movie.
For "Around The World in 80 Days," I can only conclude it's because the people who made it are creatures of darkness and hate, who daily excrete stinking film from their demonic colons, and have used their infernal powers to divine a means of getting paid for it. By no means should you see this movie. If your girlfriend wants to see it, break up with her. If your kids want to see it, disown them. If President Bush comes to your home and demands that you see it, emigrate.
